EMOTIONAL MANIPULATORS. Do you know one? Do you live with one? Are
you one? Over the past few weeks I have encountered more and more people ...
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATORS Do you know one? Do you live with one? Are you one? Over the past few weeks I have encountered more and more people being manipulated emotionally by those around them, including family, friends, partners and business colleagues. So I decided to write this ‘leaflet’ on emotional manipulation particularly as it is so subtle and you invariably do not know that you are being abused. Rest assured emotional manipulation is a form of abuse. It is also very dangerous as the victim shows no physical signs of abuse and as the abuser is very subtle in his or her manipulation, everyone around including the victim are not aware of what is happening. This information is not exhaustive but intended to give you some information on emotional manipulators and what they might do or say. Look at the following list and ask yourself if you can identify someone who does one or more of these things (do you even do them?). An emotional manipulator: • • • • • • • • •
will turn around what you say will make you sound the unreasonable one will make you question your own sanity (e.g. if you feel you need to keep a log of things!! – you are being emotionally manipulated) will make you feel guilty for everything e.g. speaking up, not speaking up and so on will talk behind your back will fight dirty will tell you what they think you want to hear and then do everything to undermine it will always have something 10 times worse than you e.g. if you have a cold, they have pneumonia will take no responsibility for themselves or their behaviour, it is always about what everyone else has done to them
So how do you deal with someone like this? Make you feel guilty: Well there is NO use in being honest with such a person because they will turn around what you are saying and make you feel guilty or that it is your fault and where it seems that they are apologising, remember they really do NOT mean that they are sorry at all. Never accept an apology that feels like bullshit! Trust your gut feeling. An emotional manipulator is very quick to realise that they can manipulate someone and that means they add you to their hit list. The willing helper? Not!! An emotional manipulator can be someone who comes across as a willing helper. But they will not forget and often even say ‘You owe me’. Deny having said something: An emotional manipulator will say one thing and later assure you that they did not say it at all. Eventually you will start to question your own sanity. If you are in a relationship where you think you should start making notes on what was said, done etc then you are experiencing emotional manipulation.
Expert liars: Emotional manipulators are expert at turning things around, justifying themselves, explaining things away. They are expert at lying but so persuasive that you begin to doubt yourself. Comes across as a victim: A very powerful emotion used by an emotional manipulator is being a victim. They are expert at coming across as needing support, care, and nurture. They rarely do their own dirty work, getting you to do it for them but never asking directly BUT when you do they will tell you that they did not want or expect you to do it. They talk behind your back. Passive aggressive: Emotional manipulators act in a passive aggressive way. This means they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and then do as much as they can to undermine you. For example if you tell them you want to return to work they will tell you that they will support you but on the night before the interview they will make sure you get no peace- then turn round and say the world doesn’t stop for you! Their situation will ALWAYS be worse than yours: Emotional manipulators are expert at this!! If you have a cold, they will have pneumonia, if you have a bad situation at work, they will have a worse one! Spotlight always needs to be on them: No matter the situation an emotional manipulators will always manage to get the spotlight back on themselves. If you point this out they will go into a huff and call you selfish or say that you are always in the spotlight. Read all the above. You will know someone like this. It will be very hard if this is your partner or you are living with family who act this way. However remember emotional manipulation is very bad for your health mental and physical. The ultimate answer – walk away. Emotional manipulators impact on everyone and everything around them. If you are with someone like this too long you will forget that you have needs and that you have the right to have your needs met too. Emotional manipulators never take responsibility for themselves or their behaviour. It is always about what has been done to them by others. Emotional manipulators want a friend to themselves. They don’t want you to have other friends. This even starts in the school playground where children will say if you’re my friend, you’re not Beth’s and so on. This is bullying tactics. But difficult for children to see what is happening. As an adult you can let them know that you are not going to take sides. An emotional manipulator is a COWARD.
