Bob

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 1 of 10

BOB (THEME) TR (ANNC): And now--Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products, brings you: The Story of Bob, a Young Artist. (CLATTER OF DISHES, DOG, POPS IN BACKGROUND) SS: Have some more sauerkraut, Bob. I made a whole big tub of it and don’t be shy about taking some more weiners. We’ve got lots. You know me. GK: No thanks, Berniece. I’m feeling sort of bilious. SS: You’ve hardly eaten anything, Bob. TR (POPS): Pour a little of that corn syrup on there, Berniece, would you? GK: Corn syrup! TR (POPS): It’s good on weiners. (GLUP GLUP GLUP, (DOG SLURPS AND SNARFS) GK: Oh, please. TR (POPS): There you go, Rex.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 2 of 10

SS: Hey. Plenty more where that came from. GK: I can’t believe it. What are we? Sharecroppers? Eating corn syrup —sharing our food with dogs-TR (POPS): Don’t be such a ninny. Right, Rex? (DOG WOOFS) SS: Oh, by the way, I found your photocopies on the table that you left out last night. GK: Oh, thanks, Berniece. TR (POPS): Who’s getting a colonoscopy? SS: I said photocopies, Pops. Not colonoscopy. TR (POPS): They’re no big deal, you know. I’ve had three. You lay on your side and give you a tranquilizer and you watch it on a TV screen ---- (DOG SNIFFING, PANTING) GK: Do you mind? We’re eating---TR (POPS): And it looks like the Tunnel of Love. GK: Oh, for heaven’s sake. (WOOF, PANTING) TR (POPS): Just telling you what it looks like----

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 3 of 10

GK: This one looks like someone chewed it, Berniece---SS: I guess it must’ve been Rex. Anyway, I sure like them a lot. It looks like your art is taking off in a whole new direction, away from abstract and toward representational. GK: Abstract art is representative too, Berniece, it’s just that most people don’t have the patience to understand it. TR (POPS): You don’t need to be a patient to get a colonoscopy, they do it outpatient. For goodness sake. You lie down and they run the thing in and you watch it on TV like Star Trek. GK: I wasn’t talking to you, thank you very much. TR (POPS): Here, Rex---- finish up these wieners, boy. (DOG SNARFS UP FOOD, THEN GAGS) GK: Oh for pity sakes. Get him out of here. TR (POPS): Chew your food, Rex. Chew. Atta boy. SS: Anyway, it looks to me like you painted a very lovely yellow flower. GK: That’s not a flower, Berniece. That is a shape, a nebulous shape that represents whatever you project onto it. SS: Well, it looks like a flower to me.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 4 of 10

GK: I painted it, Berniece. It is not a flower. It’s an homage to the great Jackson Pollock and it’s entitled “Impact Dimension 413”---- it’s thrown art. SS: You just threw the paint at the canvas? GK: I did. SS: Well, that was a lucky throw because it looks exactly like a flower. What does the 413 mean? GK: Why does it have to have a literal meaning, Berniece? It’s art, okay? What does it mean to you? SS: Sorry. GK: For people who’ve been living with an artist all these years, you have very little conception of art. TR (POPS): You say you’re gonna fart? Go ahead. GK: Oh, please. That is so juvenile. TR (POPS): Everybody hit the deck. Incoming. GK: Whatever happened to dignity in old age, huh? TR (POPS): Good thing you’re not having a colonoscopy.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 5 of 10

SS: Oh, settle down now, Pops. So what is your flower painting for, Bob? GK: My painting “Impact Dimensions 413” is for the Hubbard Falls Biennale, Berniece. Mr. Lipps has put up a prize of ten-thousand dollars for the best painting for the lobby of the Lipps Comb Company. I submitted the painting three weeks ago. This is a photocopy. SS: Oh my. You mean, Mr. Louis Lipps---GK: Yes, Louis Lipps the president of the Lipps Comb Company. SS: Where are you going, Bob? GK: Going in my studio and if the phone rings, don’t answer, okay? SS: What if it’s for us? GK: Let me answer it and if it’s for you, I’ll give the phone to you. If it’s the Biennale calling, I don’t want the phone answered by someone with a mouth full of corn syrup. Okay? SS: Okay. GK: We may be on the verge of winning ten thousand dollars for a work of art.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 6 of 10

TR (POPS): That’s what you said before. Go ahead and do it. SS: Down, Rex. (DOG TAIL THUMPS) No Rex, you can’t have any more. GK: They’re supposed to notify the winner today and if either of you answers, they’ll assume it’s a wrong number and hang up. They don’t award art prizes to sharecroppers. SS: We won’t answer it, don’t you worry. You go in your studio and paint some more flowers. (FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR OPEN) GK (SIGH): I just need to be alone. (PHONE RINGS, OFF)—Oh boy. That’s probably them. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, DOOR SLAM, RUNNING STEPS) Don’t answer it. Don’t touch the phone. TR (POPS): I’ll get it. GK: It’s not for you. TR (POPS): A guy was supposed to call about snow tires. GK: Just get away from the phone, okay? (THEY STRUGGLE FOR THE PHONE) TR (POPS): Get your hands off me.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 7 of 10

GK: Berniece!!!! SS: Pops,stop it. GK: Can you just be quiet for five minutes? TR (POPS): I can. I don’t know if I will. GK: Will you be quiet please? SS: Pops, let Bob answer the phone. TR (POPS): Nobody’s holding him back. GK: Just sit still okay? And don’t say anything while I-(PHONE STOPS RINGING, A BEAT) They’re gone. SS: Pick up the phone, maybe they just stopped ringing. GK: It’s over. They’re moving on to the next name. TR (POPS): Probably somebody trying to sell us snow tires. GK: It’s gone. Ten thousand dollars. Gone. SS: Maybe that was a wrong number. GK: It wasn’t, I can sense it.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 8 of 10

TR (POPS): Well, I’m taking Rex out for his walk. (DOG PANTING, JINGLING) GK: All I ask is for a little support----SS: We’re doing the best we can do, Bob. (PHONE RINGS) TR (POPS): Come on, Rex, let’s leave the great man alone. GK: Quiet. I just need quiet. Please. TR (POPS, OFF): Soon as Rex does his business, we’re back. (DOOR SHUTS) SS: Well. Go ahead Bob. Answer it. (A BEAT, GK SIGH) GK: Hello? (VOICE ON PHONE) Yes, hello Mr. Lipps. Yes I’ve been expecting your call. (VOICE ON PHONE) Yes, I did get a copy of the contest rules. (VOICE ON PHONE) It said what, sir? (VOICE ON PHONE) A scene from nature? (VOICE ON PHONE) Well, it was a scene from nature, sir. It was a flower. (VOICE ON PHONE) It was an exploding flower, sir. (VOICE ON PHONE) It says what? Impact Dimensions 413? No, that’s for another painting. This one is called Exploding Chrysanthemums. (VOICE ON PHONE). Yes of course. Thank you for calling. Bye. (HANGUP)

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 9 of 10

SS: Well who was that, Bob? Was it them? GK: They gave me a tenth-place honorable mention. Instead of ten thousand dollars, I get a lifetime supply of combs. The prize goes to that gilded idiot Norman Shelburne for a painting of his cats. SS: So how many combs is a lifetime supply? GK: Six. They’re nylon. (DOOR OPENS) TR (POP): Boy, Rex did a big one. Take a look at that. It’s in the Baggie. GK: Oh, please. Restrain yourself. TR (POP): J’ever see one that big and solid?? Huh?? So what’s the verdict? SS: He didn’t win, Pops. TR (POPS): tell me something I don’t already know. GK: Boy, kick me when I’m down, would you. (DOG GAGS) SS: Now Bob, don’t take it so hard. There’s always next year.

SAT 2/1/14 11:05 PM Page 10 of 10

GK: I’m going to my room. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE, LOCK) (FOOTSTEPS) (STOP) Why do I even bother? Nobody cares. You put your soul on a canvas and people think it’s some kind of vegetation. (STIRS PAINT) But I can’t help myself. I have to create. I must be crazy to go on in the face of discouragement year after year after year. But here I am, making more art. Impact Dimensions 414. (BIG SWASH OF BRUSH) Flowers. I’ll show you flowers. (SQUIRT PAINT AND SMOOSH IT AROUND) I’ll show you passion. (FLINGS PAINT) Commitment. (FLINGS PAINT) Commitment in the face of ridicule. (SQUORT) I am not a fake. Hear me? (SQUIRT) I am not a fake. (BIG FLING OF PAINT) TR: Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products has brought you The Story of Bob: A Young Artist. (THEME UP AND OUT)