download - Matt Coppa

How I Met Your Mother "The Swordsman" by Matt Coppa

Matt Coppa 20 Newport Parkway, #1202 Jersey City, NJ 07310 646-752-5149 [email protected] [email protected] Manager Greg Weiss One Entertainment 212-974-3900 [email protected]

TEASER 1

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (NARRATOR, MARSHALL, TED, ROBIN, LILY, BARNEY) TED AND BARNEY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. LILY AND ROBIN ARE HUDDLED AROUND A COMPUTER. NARRATOR (V.O.) So, kids, did you ever wonder how uncle Marshall came across his beloved medieval sword? MARSHALL BURSTS INTO THE ROOM CARRYING A LARGE ITEM WRAPPED IN VELVET. MARSHALL You are never going to guess what I found! TED Unicorn? ROBIN Yeti? LILY That grilled chicken that you lost in the couch? MARSHALL I did find that chicken, and it was delicious, but that was last week. (MORE)

(CONTINUED)

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE SWORD" 1

CONTINUED:

2.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)

Tonight, I was walking home from work and I realized that Supertramp was right, there are times that you must take the long way home. CUT TO: 2

EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT (MARSHALL) MARSHALL WANDERS AROUND A DARK, STRANGE-LOOKING COBBLESTONE ALLEY. MARSHALL (V.O.) But I must have taken a wrong turn and I found myself in this very odd street.... I got spooked by a pack of rats. A CUTE KITTEN JUMPS OFF A GARBAGE CAN, SCARING MARSHALL, WHO YELPS AND FALLS. MARSHALL (V.O.) I stumbled and fell down. When I looked up, I saw it, the dream pick of any Picker! NARRATOR V.O. Back then there were very popular History Channel shows. One was called American Pickers. CUT TO:

3

INT. MARSHALL'S APARTMENT - DAY (MARSHALL, NARRATOR, GUY 1) MARSHALL SITS ON HIS COUCH WITH A BOWL OF CHEESE PUFFS, WATCHING, RIVETED.

(CONTINUED)


3.

CONTINUED: NARRATOR (V.O.) In it, two guys traveled across the country, looking through junk for valuable antiques, and Marshall was obsessed. CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF MARSHALL'S FACE, LOOKING ORGASMIC, AS THE MEN FROM THE SHOW TALK OFF-SCREEN. GUY 1 (O.S.) I can't believe it! Under this pile of dead cats, we found a 1921 Winchester riding bicycle! NARRATOR (V.O.) The other show was Pawn Stars, about people selling stuff found in their attics. CUT TO:

4

INT. MARSHALL'S APARTMENT - DAY (MARSHALL, GUY 2, GUY 3) MARSHALL IS INTENTLY WATCHING TV. GUY 2 (O.S.) How much do you want for this 1657 Spanish gold coin? GUY 3 (O.S.) $8,000? GUY 2 (O.S.) I'll give you $500.

(CONTINUED)


4.

CONTINUED: GUY 3 (O.S.) Sold! CUT BACK TO:

5

EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT (MARSHALL) MARSHALL IS STILL ON THE GROUND IN THE ALLEY, STARING AT THE WINDOW OF AN ANTIQUES SHOP. HE IS LOOKING AT AN ORNATE SWORD HANGING IN THE WINDOW. THE SWORD IS RADIATING LIGHT AND HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS. MARSHALL (V.O.) In this narrow cobblestone street in a forgotten corner of the busiest city in the world was the coolest thing I have ever seen. CUT TO:

6

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (MARSHALL, ROBIN, TED, LILY, BARNEY) MARSHALL WHIPS OUT THE SWORD AND WILDLY SWINGS IT AROUND WHILE THE GROUP SCATTERS IN FEAR. MARSHALL It's a medieval sword from Scotland! THE GANG BACKS AWAY IN TERROR. OPENING CREDITS

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE SWORD"

5.

ACT I 7

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (MARSHALL, TED, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN) TED Marshall, you're going to chop somebody's head off with that thing! MARSHALL Oh, if I wanted to, I could! BARNEY YAWNS. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Sorry to be boring you, Barney. BARNEY I'm not bored, though, now that I think of it, I probably am. No, I'm experimenting with a new trick to make women subconsciously mimic my behavior so they're easier to bag. LILY (TO MARSHALL) Um, honey, this thing was less than your $75 Picking limit, right? I mean, it looks like it's from a bong store. BARNEY YAWNS AGAIN, THIS TIME MORE PRONOUNCED THAN BEFORE MARSHALL Hello, there's this thing called the internet! LILY GIVES HIM A "DON'T BE SARCASTIC WITH ME" LOOK.

(CONTINUED)


6.

CONTINUED: MARSHALL (CONT'D) Which has revolutionized modern civilization and enabled me to look it up on theswordsman.com before I bought it. BARNEY Shoot, I was hoping that URL wasn't taken yet. MARSHALL I took note of the markings the blacksmith used when smelting the blade; they date to Western Europe, circa 13th century. ROBIN YAWNS AUDIBLY AND WIDELY, WHICH MAKES THE GROUP STARE AT HER. BARNEY Ah-ha! I made you yawn! ROBIN What? I didn't yawn. BARNEY Yes, you did. Yawning is contagious. Once one person does it, everyone else... TED YAWNS. BARNEY (CONT'D) I made him yawn too!

(CONTINUED)

7

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE SWORD" CONTINUED: (2)

7.

TED Yes, you did. Can you hear yourself? MARSHALL As I was saying, there's also this likeness of the MacDunhman family crest, a powerful ancient clan from the highlands of Scotland. But what really got me as high as a Scotsman from the mountainous highland region of Scotland... THE GROUP MOCKINGLY YAWNS. MARSHALL (CONT'D) ...were these rare intricate engravings on the ivory handle of mythical Oughtsenbruce she-creatures devouring their young! ROBIN Can't people can fake that stuff? Counterfeit antiques are a big business. BARNEY Yeah, who doesn't have a piece of fake swordsmithery in their portfolio? TED I hate to say this, but Robin may be right. (MORE)

(CONTINUED)

7

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE SWORD" CONTINUED: (3) TED (CONT'D)

8.

I mean this sword looks impressive and sharp, but how can you really know that it's genuine? MARSHALL Oh, how you doubt me! MARSHALL LOOKS OUT TO THE DISTANCE WISTFULLY WITH HIS SWORD SLOWLY RISING UP AND CLASSIC MUSIC SWELLING. MARSHALL (CONT'D) I journeyed through the golden city on a quest for truth. LILY HITS MARSHALL ON THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD, MUSIC STOPS. LILY Marshall, how much did you spend? MARSHALL GULPS. MARSHALL $2,000. THE GROUP IS TAKEN ABACK. ROBIN YAWNS. BARNEY Ah-ha! LILY We can't afford that! What were you thinking? BARNEY Quick, Marshall give me $10,000 and my Nigerian friend will parlay it into a million!

(CONTINUED)

7


9.

MARSHALL (TO LILY) Honey, I know you may be freaked out, but Christie's auction house already appraised it. LILY For what, $75? MARSHALL No, due to its condition, rarity, historical significance, level of scratches and such. LILY How much! MARSHALL $20,000! THE GROUP SCREAMS. LILY LOOKS SKEPTICAL. ROBIN YAWNS. MARSHALL (CONT'D) It's true. I never had any doubt about the sword's value when I purchased it, but I figured why not check with an expert. CUT TO: 8

INT. CHRISTIE'S MEDIEVAL AUCTION APPRAISERS - DAY (MARSHALL, DR. SMYTHE) MARSHALL, LOOKING SICK, WALKS UP TO A DOOR MARKED CHRISTIE'S MEDIEVAL AUCTION APPRAISERS. HE'S GREETED BY DR. SMYTHE (EARLY 30'S), A GORGEOUS BUSTY WOMAN IN A LAB COAT. SHE IS CARRYING A JAR. DR. SMYTHE Hello. I'm Dr. Smythe. May I help you?

(CONTINUED)


10.

CONTINUED: MARSHALL Can you look at my sword to see if it's real? Please, let me show you? DR. SMYTHE You make one more move, and this jar of acid will melt that sword pretty fast. MARSHALL No, I mean this. MARSHALL REVEALS THE SWORD. DR. SMYTHE Oh, sorry. You can never be too careful in this city. Last month, some guy tried to have me appraise his vintage Balzac. MARSHALL Oh, he had a print from the French author Honore de Balzac? DR. SMYTHE No. MARSHALL Well, what do you think? WHEN DR. SMYTHE LOOKS AT THE SWORD. THE SAME LIGHT AND HEAVENLY MUSIC APPEARS LIKE WHEN MARSHALL FIRST SPOTTED IT. CUT TO:

9

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN, BARNEY, TED)

(CONTINUED)


11.

CONTINUED: MARSHALL And that's when she told me that this was the real deal. An actual medieval sword from 13th Century Scotland. Even Braveheart's William Wallace might have wielded this beauty. LILY Wow, so she's going to buy it? MARSHALL Not quite. She appraised it at $20,000, and it's going up at auction this weekend. So, in theory, we can get double that! ROBIN Can we come? I've always wanted to use one of those paddles to mark my superiority! BARNEY That's not the only thing you like to do with paddles...I can't wait to make you yawn amongst proper people. ROBIN Just tell me about your suits again.

(CONTINUED)

9

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "THE SWORD" CONTINUED: (2) MARSHALL I'd be honored if my best friends would be my guests at Christie's Semiannual Specialty Medieval Armaments and Weaponry Auction. BARNEY That sounds like it will be just crawling with sexy single women. BARNEY YAWNS. TED Well, I... TED YAWNS. BARNEY Stop it! I, for one, will be there. BARNEY LOOKS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. BARNEY (CONT'D) It seems that not long ago, we were chugging pitchers of beer in a dimly lit dive bar reeking of our own vomit. And now, thanks to our friend, Marshall, we shall commiserate with the upper crust of Manhattan society, sipping fine champagne, discussing international politics and trading amusing anecdotes about the riff-raff who sit in the top tier at the opera at the Met.

12.


13.

INT. MACLAREN'S PUB - NIGHT THE GROUP SURROUNDS MARSHALL, WHO'S SUCKING DOWN A PITCHER OF BEER. GANG Chug! Chug! Chug! END OF ACT ONE


14.

ACT TWO 11

INT. CHRISTIE'S AUCTION HOUSE - NIGHT (ROBIN, TED, LILY, BARNEY, MARSHALL, DR. SMYTHE) TED, ROBIN, BARNEY AND LILY, ALL DRESSED IN FORMAL CLOTHES, WALK INTO A FINELY FURNISHED AUCTION ROOM WITH ORNATE ART WORK HANGING ON THE WALLS. ROBIN Wow, this place is amazing. TED Has Marshall gotten back? He ran to the bathroom as soon as we got here. LILY Oh, he's just preparing. BARNEY A little boot-and-rally to kill the butterflies? LILY Not exactly. MARSHALL ENTERS THE ROOM WEARING A 1920'S-STYLE TUXEDO WITH TAILS ALONG WITH A TOP HAT, MONOCLE AND CANE. BARNEY Oh, my God, have we hit an iceberg? MARSHALL Very funny, my lad, but I'm not going to let a rogue like you taint my Picking fantasies. AN OLD MAN IN AN OUTFIT IDENTICAL TO MARSHALL'S WALKS PAST. THEY TIP THEIR TOP HATS AT EACH OTHER.

(CONTINUED)


15.

CONTINUED: LILY I think you just made his fantasies come true. Okay, honey, I'm off to powder my nose. LILY LEAVES FOR THE BATHROOM. TED So buddy, when does your sword go on sale? MARSHALL TWITCHES AND LOOKS FAINT. MARSHALL I don't know, in a half hour? TED Are you okay? MARSHALL I'm freaking out! What was I thinking? What if no one bids on it? Lily is going to kill me! TED I thought it was worth $20,000? MARSHALL That's what the expert valued it at, but these auctions don't always go as planned. The bidding starts at $500, and the auction house takes 20 percent, so I could even lose money.

(CONTINUED)

11


16.

TED Don't worry about it buddy, you know your stuff; it's going to be fine. Besides, if all else fails, you can use it at Medieval Times. MARSHALL Damn your tongue to hell! There's Dr. Smythe. I have to talk to her. MARSHALL WALKS OVER TO DR. SMYTHE WHO IS ACROSS THE ROOM. SHE IS DRESSED IN A FORMAL GOWN AND LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Dr. Smythe? Wow, you really get dressed up for these things. DR. SMYTHE As do you! What a dapper ensemble! MARSHALL Why, thank you, my lady. DR. SMYTHE Are you sure you've never done this before? MARSHALL Well, only in my dreams. DR. SMYTHE FLASHES A SEDUCTIVE LOOK AND RUBS UP AGAINST MARSHALL. DR. SMYTHE What are you dreaming of now? MARSHALL (STAMMERING) Um, battering rams?

(CONTINUED)

11


17.

DR. SMYTHE Why don't you come to my office so I can show you how to properly showcase your sword? MARSHALL Are you sure that's a good idea? My wife's waiting for me, and I'm really nervous about the auction. DR. SMYTHE You don't have to worry about a thing. MARSHALL WAVES OVER TO LILY AND BARNEY WHO ARE ACROSS THE ROOM. LILY WAVES BACK, AND BARNEY, SPOTTING SEXY DR. SMYTHE, DROPS HIS JAW. DR. SMYTHE (CONT'D) I'm sure your wife won't mind, especially if it's the difference between selling your strong, penetrating sword, or having it, I don't know, get bumped from the docket. MARSHALL GULPS, SENSING HE'S BEING EXTORTED. 12

INT. CHRISTIE'S AUCTION HOUSE - NIGHT (TED, ROBIN, LILY, BARNEY) TED AND ROBIN WALK UP TO AN ELABORATE PAINTING.

(CONTINUED)


18.

CONTINUED: TED Hmm, I believe this is a Renaissanceera depiction of the fourth ring of hell from Dante's Inferno circa 15th Century. ROBIN Very impressive. How could you tell that? TED It says so on this note next to the painting. TED POINTS TO A PLACARD. LILY AND BARNEY WALK OVER. LILY Hey guys, have either of you seen Marshall? The auction is about to start. ROBIN Yeah, I saw him a minute ago walking out with Dr. Smythe. BARNEY, STANDING BEHIND LILY, WILDLY GESTICULATES A "SHUT UP" MOTION. LILY TURNS AROUND. LILY What are you doing? BARNEY Oh, just practicing the classic European...auction...bidding... technique...move.

(CONTINUED)

12


19.

LILY Really, I thought you just hold up those signs. BARNEY Oh, Lily, and you say you're a teacher? LILY Well, I'm going to look for Marshall. LILY WALKS AWAY. TED Barney, what's up? Where did Marshall go with that doctor? BARNEY I don't know, but I saw the smokinghot Dr. Smythe from across the room, and she was looking at Marshall like he was some ancient archeological thing she found under a hidden pile of other stuff. BARNEY YAWNS. ROBIN Oh, please, everyone loves Marshall, but women don't really look at him that way. ROBIN YAWNS. ROBIN (CONT'D) Will you stop it!

(CONTINUED)

12


20.

BARNEY You dare doubt my flirtdar? I can notice a sexually aroused woman winking at me from two buildings away. TED Even if she was flirting with Marshall, so what? It's not like he'd ever do anything. BARNEY Oh, really? Even if it meant sacrificing his beloved sword? THE GROUP LOOKS AFRAID. 13

INT. DR. SMYTHE'S OFFICE - NIGHT (MARSHALL, DR. SMYTHE) DR. SMYTHE CHASES MARSHALL, WHO IS USING HER DESK AS A BARRIER. MARSHALL Please stop! I'm married! DR. SMYTHE I don't mind! MARSHALL Why are you doing this? I'm not even in good shape! DR. SMYTHE When I was a little girl, my family's fortune was divided up by insurance adjusters. (MORE)

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

DR. SMYTHE (CONT'D)

They evaluated each item lot-by-lot, while wearing three-piece suits, smelling of Old Spice and hair spray. Since then, I've had an insatiable appetite for amateur appraisers. MARSHALL Wait, you hail from the Fairbanks' Smythes, the onetime owners of the headless-horseman skeleton? I watched that episode of Great Wasted Fortunes five times! DR. SMYTHE Damn, you're good! END OF ACT TWO

21.


22.

ACT THREE 14

INT. CHRISTIE'S AUCTION HOUSE AUCTION ROOM - NIGHT (AUCTIONEER, BARNEY, ROBIN, TED) TED, ROBIN AND BARNEY GULP CHAMPAGNE AS THE AUCTION GETS UNDER WAY. THEY ARE MIXED IN WITH A CROWD OF OLDER, MONEYED PEOPLE. A BALD, BRITISH AUCTIONEER STARTS THE PROCEEDINGS. AUCTIONEER Our first item up for bid, a magnificent 17th-century, French battle axe. BARNEY I thought Robin was Canadian? BARNEY YAWNS. AUCTIONEER Bidding will start at $1,000. Do I have $1,000? (Beat) Yes, $1,000 from the gentleman in the front. Do I have $1,500? $1,500 for this pristine condition axe. BARNEY $1,500? I once bought Robin with a sixpack of beer and two tickets to a Rangers game. BARNEY YAWNS. ROBIN How's about I show you what I can do with an axe on a squealing Manhattan pig?

(CONTINUED)


23.

CONTINUED: ROBIN YAWNS. BARNEY Ah-ha! ROBIN That's it! ROBIN RAISES HER PADDLE TO BID. AUCTIONEER $1,500 for the young lady in the back. TED Robin, what are you doing? BARNEY Caught up in the sexual parry of competitive bidding? ROBIN Not really, I swiped your bidding paddle! BARNEY What? Give me that! THE TWO STRUGGLE OVER BARNEY'S PADDLE CAUSING A SCENE. CUT TO:

15

INT. DR. SMYTHE'S OFFICE - NIGHT (MARSHALL, DR. SMYTHE, LILY, BARNEY, TED, ROBIN, NARRATOR) DR. SMYTHE CONTINUES TO PURSUE MARSHALL. MARSHALL Please stop. Your attraction is totally understandable but also just too strange. (MORE) (CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

24.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)

And I don't care about an admittedly really cool sword more than my wife. DR. SMYTHE Really? MARSHALL Yes, really. And you're a beautiful and brilliant woman. I mean you're a Medieval-sword expert, what dashingly handsome-yet-dorky guy wouldn't want you? DR. SMYTHE You'd be surprised how awful men in New York can be. And don't get me started on the ones who can't tell the difference between a crossbow and a longbow. MARSHALL (BEAT, LOOKS CONFUSED) Yeah, the education system has really failed this country. LILY WALKS IN AND LOOKS SURPRISED AS SHE SEES MARSHALL AND DR. SMYTHE. LILY What exactly is going on in here?

(CONTINUED)

15


25.

MARSHALL Lily! Um, nothing! Dr. Smythe and I were just debating which was better to polish a sword with: soap or vinegar. LILY Marshall! MARSHALL Dr. Smythe was overcome by lust because of my striking good looks and expert knowledge in swordsmithery, and she tried to pin me down and make sweet love to me. LILY (TO MARSHALL) Are you doing drugs? DR. SMYTHE No, it's true. I am so sorry...I was chasing Marshall, I just couldn't help myself. LILY (TO DR. SMYTHE) Are you doing drugs? DR. SMYTHE No, it's just that, as a young girl, my vast family fortune was taken away and... LILY ATTACKS DR. SMYTHE. AS THE TWO ROLL AROUND ON THE GROUND, MARSHALL PLEADS FOR LILY TO STOP. THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, AND ROBIN AND BARNEY FALL IN WHILE CONTINUING TO BATTLE OVER BARNEY'S PADDLE. TED CASUALLY WALKS IN AFTER THEM DRINKING CHAMPAGNE.

(CONTINUED)

15


26.

TED (RAISING HIS GLASS) To high culture! MARSHALL FINALLY SEPARATES LILY AND DR. SMYTHE. MARSHALL Stop it! Everyone calm down! LILY Maybe you should tell your new doctor friend to calm down! Why are you even in here? MARSHALL I was scared. LILY See a mouse again? MARSHALL I was afraid that she'd sabotage the auction, and we would lose money on the sword, and you'd hate me. LILY I can never hate you. Cause you grievous bodily pain yes, but not hate you. But I really don't understand why you love this thing so much. ROBIN Yeah, what is it with you guys and weapons of minor destruction?

(CONTINUED)

15


27.

MARSHALL I don't know. It just makes the history really come alive to me. Like I'm there on the battlefield, fighting for virtue and goodness...instead of watching TV in my underwear. LILY Well, we can always give it to our kids. And it will become more valuable, right? THE GROUP LOOKS TO DR. SMYTHE. DR. SMYTHE Sure, unlike myself, the older it get's the more rich men will want it. BARNEY You still have a good five to ten years for... TED SHUSHES BARNEY, WHO SHUTS UP, BUT THEN HE YAWNS. LILY Dr. Smythe, you're annoyingly hot, so shut up and leave the married men alone. BARNEY GIVES DR. SMYTHE A CHEESY WINK. TED YAWNS. LILY (CONT'D) And Marshall, maybe it's my fault, but if you care that much about this piece of tin...

(CONTINUED)

15


28.

MARSHALL Actually, it's iron, but... LILY Whatever it is! I love you, and if it makes you happy, that's all that matters. MARSHALL You just make me fall more in love with you every second we're together. MARSHALL AND LILY EMBRACE. DR. SMYTHE YAWNS TOWARD BARNEY SEDUCTIVELY. ROBIN AND TED YAWN AND ROLL THEIR EYES. NARRATOR (V.O.) So kids, uncle Marshall never did sell that sword even though he could've gotten double what he had hoped it was worth, and, when Marshall and Lily moved into their first home, it was prominently displayed over their fireplace mantle. CUT TO: SHOT OF SWORD HANGING OVER A ROARING FIRE. NARRATOR (V.O.) Or it did for about two months until Lily made him put it in the garage. NARRATOR AUDIBLY YAWNS. THE END