New Year's Resolutions

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The best resolution I ever heard was my Uncle Jimbo's. “Son,” he told me, “I ... Still, after a healthy New Year's Day meal of hoppin' John, it's easy to be optimistic.

The only thing a southern man should bother giving up? A hopeless resolution.

New Year’s Resolutions he best resolution I ever heard was my Uncle Jimbo’s. “Son,” he told me, “I have give up lying.” “How’s that working out for you, Jim?” I asked. “It’s hard son,” Jimbo said, woeful. “How long you been quit?” He looked at his watch. “’Bout 15 minutes.” By the standards of the average Southern male, he was actually doing quite well. Resolutions start out noble and fine. After a solid year of beer joints and buttered biscuits, backsliding six ways to Sunday, we stand on the threshold of a new year and swear that this year, it’ll be different. We will do right, do good, for 365 long, long days. Some of us–deacons, Sisters of Mercy, and my mother–make it, with prayer, almost to Valentine’s Day. The rest of us are on Jimbo time. I do not believe Southern men should be asked to make a resolution to start with. It’s not that we don’t have the will. It has to do with what we have to give up. We promise to forfeit liquor, bad language, loafering, sloth, poker, and sausage gravy. We resolve to go to church for more than just weddings, funerals, and dinner on the grounds when they are said to have homemade ice cream. We say we will take out the trash, even if it is not full. We swear off eating barbecue after 1a.m., in our jammies, in the glow of a Frigidaire. We promise to say “I love you” and mean it, and not just because the object of our devotion found in our pants a receipt for an eight-piece bucket and extra-large Pepsi. We promise not to cheat at cards, especially while playing children. We promise not to look at majorettes. That is a lot to give up. Still, after a healthy New Year’s Day meal of hoppin’ John, it’s easy to be optimistic. With your belly full of collards, which our society equates with finan-

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We say we will take out the trash, even if it is not full. We swear off eating barbecue after 1 a.m., in our jammies, in the glow of a Frigidaire.

cial prosperity, and black-eyed peas, for luck, it’s easy to go to bed with good intentions. But with the dawn comes bacon. And then we drive by a sausage and biscuit and it all goes straight to Hardee’s. I think it would not be so hard if I lived in the frozen wastes of the Far North. What do you have to give up in Rhode Island? Halibut? I could swear off halibut for the rest of my natural life. Every year, because she loves me, my wife makes me promise to exercise more, to walk outside in good weather, even if that occasionally means it’s uphill, and to walk in bad weather in the gigantic recreation center, which is–thank you, Lord–quite flat. And I do walk, at least until I am lapped by the first septuagenarian. “It’s hard to get around this thing when you’re 86,” one woman told me, after lapping me for the spite, then sitting down to breathe. “You should try it,” I said, patting my belly, “at 286.” And so my resolve dwindles with every mile and every speed demon who was alive when Teddy stormed up San Juan Hill. But still, I resolve. One year, I resolved not to get any speeding tickets. The Alabama state troopers resolved to break my resolve and charge me $300 in state court north of McIntosh. Another, I resolved not to get upset about something as piddling as football. That was the year we got beat by Utah. Last year, I resolved to diet, drive slowly, exercise four days a week, and, sometimes on Sunday, be affectionate even when mostly innocent of wrong doing, and not eat Buffalo wings in any Marriott, anywhere, unless it was the only thing on the menu (and sometimes that happens). This year, I resolve not to look at majorettes. Again. —Rick Bragg

I think it would not be so hard if I lived in the frozen wastes of the Far North. What do you have to give up in Rhode Island? Halibut? I could swear off halibut for the rest of my natural life.

Originaly published in Southern Living Magazine, January 2011. Used without permission. Rick Bragg is the Pulitzer-Prize winning author of All Over but the Shoutin’ and other best selling books.

RESTAURANT HUMOR

801-614-5011 855 West Heritage Park Layton, Utah 84041

HOLY SMOKE ROUND-UP SAMPLER

Your first time here? • Can’t decide? Pulled Pork and a Quarter Chicken and Chopped Brisket and 3 St. Louis Rib bones and your choice of 3 sides . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $21.95 Feeds one really hungry person or share it with a friend

HOLY SMOKE BBQ SANDWICHES Includes green Jell-O and 1 side

Beef Brisket . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.39 Pulled Pork . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.39 Pulled Chicken . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.39

HOLY SMOKE PLATTERS*

Includes a fresh corn muffin, green Jell-O and 2 sides

1 MEAT PLUS 2 SIDES

*Pleae note: Platters DO NOT include a bun! If you want a bun, there is a teeny additional charge.

ST. LOUIS PORK RIBS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 Rubbed with our special blend of 11 herbs and spices. (Hey, it worked for that Kentucky Kernel guy, maybe it’ll work for us.) Then slow smoked for almost 6 hours.

BEEF BRISKET . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 Let’s face it, brisket is one miserable cut of beef—unless it’s prepared by a BBQ artist like our own Holy Smoke pitmaster— then it becomes luxuriously tender and moist. In Texas and Kansas City, brisket is what they mean when they say BBQ.

PULLED PORK . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 South of the Mason-Dixion line and east of the mighty Mississippi pork is the BBQ meat of choice. We slather, rub, smoke and hand pull only the finest cuts of shoulder/butts

QUARTER CHICKEN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 Yardbirds that are lightly smoked and finished on the grill with a light BBQ basting sauce. Your choice of a wing-and-a-breast (white meat) or a leg-and-a-thigh (dark meat.)

PULLED CHICKEN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 We smoke whole chickens, then pull the meat off the bones and remove the skin, you get a mix of white and dark meat.

SAUSAGE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 Split and grilled, your choice of a mild all-beef or a spicy cajun mix of beef and pork. Request a toasted bun to make a great sandwich (additional charge)

CATFISH FILLET . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 Cornmeal breaded and fried, crunchy on the outside, and just like some of our Holy Smoke staff flaky on the inside.

CHICKEN WINGS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 Yea, sure you’ve had wings before, but we’ll bet you never had’em like this. Lightly smoked, and finished in the fryer to crispy perfection. Choose from three flavors, Red Hot Honey (our version of a Buffalo wing), Spicy Plum or Crunchy BBQ.

2 MEATS PLUS 2 SIDES Select any two meats above . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.49

3 MEATS PLUS 2 SIDES Select any three meats above . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$15.99 If you select 2 portions of ribs for your 2 meats add . . . . . . . . $2.59

If you select 2 portions of ribs for your 2 meats add . . . . . . . . $2.59

A WORD ABOUT OUR BUNS

Our buns are soft and squishy. (Stop smiling! You know exactly which buns we’re talking about!) They aren’t flour dusted, or corn meal crusted. Our buns serve one purpose; They are there to help you get our perfectly cooked meats into your mouth without getting your fingers sticky. YOU WANT FANCY BREAD—GO TO A BAKERY!

Side Dishes

Connie’s COLESLAW. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 Crunchy green cabbage, sweet shredded carrots and a creamy cool dressing

Circleville MAC ‘N CHEESE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 America’s favorite comfort food made with three cheeses

Mildred’s PASTA SALAD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

Tri-color bowtie pasta, olives, tomatoes, green onions, balsamic vinaigrette and parmesan cheese

Grandma Rosie’s POTATO SALAD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

No fancy-schamncy herbs and spices, just the basic stuff your grandma used to make her potato salad taste like. . .well, potato salad.

Blaine’s BEANS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

Somewhere between baked beans and barbecue beans our original recipe Blaine’s Beans will make you say just two words,”Gimme more!”

Laurie’s APPLESAUCE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

Not just ho-hum applesauce, we add some ripe pears and the fresh taste of lemon to liven up this classic.

Aunt Mona’s CUT CORN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 Don’t be thinkin’ about that canned stuff that doubles as wallpaper paste, we use fresh cream and butter to bring out the bright corn flavor.

GREEN SALAD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

Graze on some fresh mixed greens. Dressing of your choice, always served on the side. Ranch, Balsamic Vinaigrette, Thousand Island or Blue Cheese.

FRENCH FRIES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 An American classic, served hot and fresh

Chad’s SWEET

POTATO FRIES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

They’re not just for Thanksgiving anymore!

ONION RINGS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 Thick cut and beer battered

HUSH PUPPIES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 Litle balls of corny goodness

Holy Smoke Grilled Sandwiches

Includes green Jell-O and 1 side Cheeseburger . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.39 Catfish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

1/2 pound of Certified Angus Beef with Swiss or Cheddar.

Cornmeal crusted and served with our house made tartar sauce

Hamburger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

Hot Dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2.99

Ruth’s Meatloaf Burger . . . . .$7.99

Chili Dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3.49

1/2 pound of Certified Angus Beef.

Served with Swiss cheese and BBQ sauce.

Grilled Chicken . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

A perfect grilled all beef dog.

BEANS

St. Louis Pork Spare Ribs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Full Rack $18.99 St. Louis Pork Spare Ribs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Half Rack $9.99

Meats by the Pound Pulled Chicken . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99

Desserts Ice Cream . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2.75

Beverages Fountain Drinks . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.79 Bottled Water. . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.29 Bottled Drinks . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

Katie’s Favorite Frickles FRIED PICKLES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 Frickles—Battered and deep fried dill pickle spears

JALAPEÑO HOT SPOTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99 Breaded and deep fired. Yep, they’re hot.

CORN MUFFINS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $.89 We bake ‘em in house fresh throughout the day

MISSION STATEMENT

Ribs

Assorted Dessert Bars . . . . . . .$2.49

What’s Okra? Well it’s. . .ah heck! If you don’t know what okra is, just skip it!

Our all beef dog, topped wit a meaty chili. NO

A juicy breast grilled to prefection.

Pulled Pork . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99 Chopped Brisket . . . . . . . . . .$12.99

FRIED OKRA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.99

Domestic Beer . . . . . . . . . . . . . $2.99 Micro Brews . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3.49 Imported Beer . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3.99

As we all know, part of every successful business is a mission statement. Something that management can use to initiate, indoctrinate and intimidate new employees. Something employees can point to when decisions are difficult, when they’ve lost their center and when verbal directions become muddled. A document that’s a cross between the feng shui of daily operations, a David Letterman Top Ten List and at least seven of the Ten Commandments. After mega meetings, countless conundrums, and several consultations with relationship coach Dr. Phil, we came up with the following: We’re just some folks who really love to cook and serve good BBQ. We like to share and we play well with others. We’re not as famous as the Famous D_ _ _ guy, but what-the-hey! Even he was just plain D _ _ _ to start with. We will take Canadian money from real Canadians. We hope you’ll like our food and want to visit us often, bringing your friends, family and even perfect strangers, spending as much of your hard earned dough as possible. Not-so-Famous Jeff and the Soon-to-be-Famous Staff of Holy Smoke