Reveries of a Paragrapher - Forgotten Books

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PARAGRAPHER. Politeness is one-half good nature and the other half good lying. The exit of the corp de ballet always seems like a nitde-de-parture. In the.
R EVE R I E S OF A

PA R A G R APH E R

BY

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C ON T E N T S

TH OU GH TS S O BE R S ECO ND TH OU GH TS D O M ES TIC B L I S S M AN AN D WO M AN LU GU BR IOU S LUC U BR AT I O NS OU RN A L I S M $ I NDI VI D U A L I D IO S YN C R A SI ES S OC I ETY AR T M US I C AN D T H E D R A M A Y OU N G AM E RI CA N IGHT TH OUGH TS

S O LE M N

P AGE

I

n

.

,

23

33 46 2 5

59 67 78

,

89 93

P ART I I

F L EETI NG F A N C I ES

1 09

D EEP

1 20

D E LVI N GS

ALT I TU DI N OU S AS P I R AT I O N S

1

31

CO N T E N T S

v iii

S O L ID S E N SE R A ND OM F ACTS

S H OTS

AN D

F AN C I E S

.

P AGE

I 37 I 47

1

6 5

P R OS Y P OS TU LAT I O NS

I 65

A FTE R

I

TH OUGH TS

7S

SO L E MN

T HO U GH T S

the m u sic Of life man blows the bellows woman touches the keys IN

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,

Ambition

an d the thermometer always move in opposite directions .

F ame , like a four leave d clover, is Oftener fou nd by those Who do not seek it than b y those Who do -

.

April 1 st is the day de dicate d fools Who think they are Wise

to

.

The sweetest chamber mu sic is a mother s low l u llaby ’

.

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER P oliteness

is one half good nature and the other half good lying -

.

The exi t of the always seems like a

do ba llet

corp

nu de

-

de p ar tu r e -

.

In

the Cornell Library of volumes there are no no v els There is howe v er plenty o f fiction in the hi stories an d philosophies .

,

,

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self restraint $ an angry debater is as ine flec tiv e as an edged tool which has lost its temper Practise

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G enerosity

s a vir tue possessed in a marked degree by people wh o never pay their bills 1

.

The chief difference bet ween a flea and a wasp is found in the fact that when you put your finger on a wasp he is always there ,

,

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2

S

O L E MN

T HOUGH T S ”

line Of beauty is a curve somethin g like the letter S but it attracts more attention when it has two parallel lines drawn through it thus Th e

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H o w closely humour is allied to

pathos is illustrated by the fact that tears are the sym bols o f both the greatest j oy and the deepest grief .

Two souls with but a single thought means that the parties are thinking that they have been single long enough .

S tories

first heard at a mother s knee are never wholly forgotten ’

.

But rules Of conduct first enforced at the same place leave a far more VlVid impression .

3

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HER Nature made a great m istake when she gave cats nine lives and turkeys only o ne .

D ame

Nature never fails to give e v e ryc re at u r e some weapon o f o ffence and defence S he gave babies lungs and women tears .

.

A

writer s style should permit an easy entrance into his field thought ’

of

Of

.

A s civilisation triumphs over bar b ar ism in far western settlements the pistol gradually disappears from the belt into the h 1 p pocket ,

.

overloaded stom ach is nu favourable to brain work and civilisa tion wisely provides that people wh o do the most b rain work shall seldom b e troubled in that way An

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SO L E M N

T HO U GH T S

Men wh o mak e no prete nsions to being go od on one day out o f every seven are calle d sinners .

F orty years ago the first missi o nary was e aten on the F iji I slands .

TO d ay fo rty thousand F ij ians attend S unday S ch ool

yo ung

-

.

All the waste places of the worl d could be Christianise d in the same way but the trouble is to m ake a ,

beginning Missionaries willi ng to start the ball rolling or rathe r the pot boil ing are very rare and they would rather stay rare than be well do ne .

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The costume fo r the Mephistopheles in opera is never complete without a cloak .

o o k e says th at The Rev Joseph O it is safe e n ough t o m arry on a .

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REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HER wee ks courtship His theory probably is that a w om an who can fool a man int Othinking her an angel fo r four weeks will be smart enough to keep up the delusion for an inde finite period four



.

.

As



a rule a S well is a youth who inherits his father s hard earned cash but not h is brains $

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The hours fly so fast as we grow Older that it sometimes seems as if F ather Time had traded his sickle fo r a bicycle .

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do the fu n is in having — l ots to do and not doing it .

The knowledge that virtue is its own reward may perhaps account 6

S

O L EMN

T HO U GH T S

the fact that so fe w pe rs ons take the trouble to rewar d it

for

.

is called a repub lic yet it is largely governed by lobby queens a n d railroad kings America

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Many a cat has been kille d by — care care in aiming the bootj ack .

The pe nalty o f success is to be bored by the attentions o f peopl e who formerly snubbed you .

almshouse is pave d with lost opportunitie s Th e

.

The national tune the spit toon

of

America is

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True religion is like wis do m $ t h e m ore we have the less we parade ,

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER S treet

cars on night lines are s topped by the day break -

.

Archery is now so popular, I s incere ly hope something will be done to save our forests from further depletion I t takes so much lumber to make a mark big enough fo r a fair archer to hit , that some other material should be found at Once .

.

The modern idea o f art as applied to interior decoration may be under stood by looking at a schoolboy s s late after he has filled it with pictures The idea is to suggest Nature not to imitate it ,

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A German writer says $ all great poets , artists, or

Almost

scholars have led a more or less unhappy domestic life Now half the men in this world will imagine them gre at poets artists or selves scholars ”

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REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER In

Law twelve men are draw n by lot to try one man fo r distributing oods by lot g .

Chestnut trees are greatlyneglected in this country E very grove S hould b e gi v en about one cartload o f ver -

.

m ifu ge

.

E nglishmen

call America a nation but this is a mis o f humorists nomer We are merely not a nation — o f dul lards that is all the differ ence $



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10

SO B E R S E C O N D

L I FE is full open switches

T HO U GH T S

low bri dges and

of .

A

small white hand with tapering fingers may deno te that the owner is a scion of a noble house or that he is a pickpocket ,

.

The Phi ladelphians want a pleasure road in F air m onu t P ark and yet it is seriously proposed to give them a gravity road ,

.

is sad t o reflect that the heroes o f the Rev o l u tion never knew what it was to put a pack of fire cracker s u nder an ol d d ish pan It

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11

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER The ancients took the owl fo r a symbol o f wisdom because he always — min ds his own busin ess a charac t e rist ic which fools ne v er possess ,

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The bravest toreador in S pain would be nonplussed by an I rish bull .

The amount o f old j okes in the newspap e rs is distressing enough but they ar e the quintessence o f original humour compared to the sallies o f prehistoric wit w ith which nearly every social gathering is e n livened ,

.

Men like I ngersoll generally lead al m ost blam eless lives so far as their social relations are concerned in o rder to prove that a man may be an infidel and yet not absolutely bad I t is a pity that many wh o profess to be Christians are not equally as anx ious t o m ake c onverts by ex ample ,

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12

SO B ER S EC ON D

T HOUGH T S

No promenade however smooth and level possesses such a fascina tion fo r de af people as a railroad ,

,

olden times the spare penn ies were kept in o rnamental urns on the mantelpie ce hence the proverb A penny saved is a penny urned In



.

The man who cannot be happy with a true woman sho u ld keep out H e woul d be just as o f H eaven miserable there .

.

Ai m

high but n ot higher th an your gun will c arry ,

.

E uropean t ourists American c uriosity

complain that hunters hack away at every old c as tle and u npro t e c t e d monumen t they can find Ou r cousins across the water c an e asily ret ali ate by coming to this .

13

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER country Niagara ,

and tak ing a hack at F alls .

F riendship is seld o m tested , b e cause fe w persons get so far down in

the world as to be compelled to ask favours which they can never return .

S anta

Claus should not be de scribed as short and fat He is a man o f fine presents .



$

.

So

many men are killed o ff b y wars tha t the women would S oon outnumber the men were it not fo r one o f Nature s wise provisions kerosene oil ’

.

The E nglish language is rich in synonymous terms A mechanic in search o f wo rk is out o f a job a clerk in the sam e predicament is an d a profession al di se ngaged ” man similarly placed is at leisure $

.

14

SO B ER S EC O N D

T HOUGH TS

The mechanic gets wor the clerk connects himself with some establishment $ and the professional man resumes practi ce $

.

A

purely classical education is like an old secretary filled with ancient manuscripts a great pleasure to the owner but of little value in the market ,

.

Carlyle lent the manuscript o f his H is tory o f the F rench R evolution to a friend thr ough whose negligence a ser v ant used it fo r kindling a fire I n all probability that servant was one of the kind who want six nights out a week an aft ern o on o fi, and a house with all the mod ern improve men ts ,

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The I rish landlords want the G ame Laws in that country revised They h ave become tired o f being the game .

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REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER P eople wh o

have a fine command o f language c a n be as affe c tionately e loquen t as a dog with a l o ng t ail An

open fire a kettle simm ering upon the hob and a paper o f sugar plum s on the mantelpie c e formed Sydney S mith s recipe fo r chee rful ness I have a recipe worth a hun dr ed of that and it calls fo r no open fire no kettle and no sugar plums unless the chief ingredients in my recipe should happen to want them ,

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Ol d

letter paper to rn into narr ow strips and curled with a knife or over a knitting needle is an excellent Young m aterial fo r stuffing pillows ladies contemplating matrim ony can thus make a poetic u se of the lo ve letters received from all their old sweethearts ,

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All t h e world



s a stage 16

and

men

REVERIES

OF

A PARAGRAPHER

of

war with a foreign country unless o f c ourse the e agles are used t o purchase a navy ,

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Judging from the descriptions o f tobogganin g in Canada it must be a devotional kind o f exercise All you have to do is to hold your breath and trust to Providence ,

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D elaware people believe in a free press free schools, and freeze peach .

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America is acknowledged to be u n rivalled in labour sav ing machinery, bread st u ffs, pump k in s, and girls .

mean action by a professor o f religion does greater harm to the cause o f morality than the blackest sin o f an infidel $ just as a speck o f dust in a glass o f clear water is more A

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S OB

ER S E CO N D

T HO UG HTS

perceptible to the eye than a bottle o f ink in mid o cean -

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The first great trial in life c omes when a young man h as invested all his sav ings in a box at the theatre a n d then his girl spends the whole e ve n ing throwing tender glances at the leading actor ,

.



The word God cannot be found in the constitution because it was thought best to put it in a more — c onspicuous place o n the al m ighty dollar ,

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When an E nglishman goes to Washington and asks to see some o f the old ruins they show him the Was hington monu m ent ,

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A demagogue is a man who takes o ff his hat to the people and then

xpects the people to drop pennies into it fo r his good condescension

e

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REVERIES

OF

A PARAGRAP HER

It

is surprising how we are all willing to take chances on drawing a camel through the eye o f a needle .

Never try to appear what you are not I t deceives no one worth deceiving and is ruinously e xpe n sive .

.

When the parlour fire is in a state o f coma as it were it is time to put colon ,

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E very husband should husban d his resources Not having money enough to buy a ton o f coal is apt to be followed by a coolness in t h e .

Treat every one with kindness and consideration There is n o telling wh o may be the next one to fall heir t o a fortu ne from some for o tt n un c le e g .

.

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S

O B ER

S

ECO N D

T H O UG HT S

An I ndian R eservation

is a piece o f land ceded to the red man with the reserv ation that if it is ever found t o contain mineral wealth o r can be o f any use whatever to the white man the I ndian must move ,

,

on

.

While on this subj ect it may also be remarked that when the I ndians complain that provisions o f an agree ment with them are not carried out they mean that the provisions ar e n o t carried out far enough fo r the red man to get hold o f them and it must be confessed that this is often the case ,

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traveller in the Holy Land it is s ai d has discovered J ac ob s Well and it is p ainful to reflect that as it is no t an o il well the di scovery h as cre ate d very little excitement An E nglish ,

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REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER There is a possibility in tim c the American I ndian may become a citizen o f his native land F oreigners an d the descendants o f foreigners are talking about it seriously .

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DO M E S T I C

BL ISS

husband who fancies that he dislikes his mother in law ex n r i f ces a sudden rev u lsion e e o p feeling when his first born begins to lisp Grandma A

Y OU N G

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The waters o f Niagara speak with sad eloqu e n ce to the happy bride The river abo ve the falls represents the honeymoon that below suggests what may soon be expected .

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students are forbidden t o mar ry E xperience has proved that a man cannot walk the floor all night with a teething baby and know all his lessons the next morn ing Russian .

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23

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HER A couple were married at New port after a courtship o f t hirty fi ve years I nstead o f marryi ng in haste .

to repent at leisure they sensibly waited until they had some chance o f dying o f old age be fore th e ho n ey moon was over ,

.

Marriage makes me n marvellously mo dest The youth who would run the risk o f a dozen eyes t o snatch a kiss from his s weetheart becomes s o shy after he has been married a few ye ars t hat fe w persons ever get a chance to see him kiss his .

If

domestic storms must come let them end with a rainbow kiss ,

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Women complain and with justice t hat the husband soon ce ases to be the l over I n illustrati on o f this o n e might cite the fac t that the lover will write yards o f sonnets to ,

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,

R

OF

EVERIES

A PARAGRAPHER

comes so engrossed in business after marriage that he can scarcely ever be at home except at meal t lm e -

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It

is a fortunat e thing that so many marriages occur in the spring F ew engageme nts can withstand the tempests o f summer croquet and t h e fearful disclosures o f the bathing s eason .

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The yoke o f matrimony is some times very heavy but a little child can lift it ,

.

H appy

marriages are not m ade in H eaven but H eaven is made in happy marriages ,

.

A

woman gen erally gives her hus band fo r a Chri stmas present some thing he can use himself but in nine cases out o f ten a man gives his wife a piece o f furn iture which can be used by the whole family ,

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DO M ES T I C

BL ISS

is difficult to tell which gives s ome couples the most happiness the minister who marries them or the j u dge wh o divorces them It

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When the unpaid grocer comes in door romance flies out o f at t h e the window .

The honeymoon generally en ds where the burnt beefsteak begins .

A

home without children is no do u bt v ery peace ful and quiet but so is a graveyard ,

.

It

is better to h a ve loved and lost than to be obliged to get up at five o clock on c old winter m ornings to st art the fire ’

.

An thi ng

old shoe may be the proper at a we dding but about the time the tin wedding comes around an old slipper is most usefu l ,

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REVERIES

OF

A PARAGRAP HER

half the domestic misery o f the world is caused by men who d rink and w omen who can t cook O ne



.

The contented man is he a content ed wife

wh o

has

.

When a man begins to wish fo r death it is a pretty goo d S ign that he has given up all hope o f finding a wife or has been married a goo d while ,

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When a man speaks harshly into a phon ograph he expects the machine to fl ing back h is words in the same tone b u t when he speaks harshly to his wife he expects her answer to be as soft and sweet as usual just as if a woman h as not as m u ch right t o talk b ack as a phonograph ,

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It

seld om happens that a second husband is haunted by the gh ost o f 28

DOM ES T I C

BL I S S

the first The ghost probably thinks husband No 2 h as trouble enough .

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Two heads are generally considered better than one but it is not so in a family where one head is always e nough $ the only question is on whose shoulders it should be ,

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The cross b ab v

of

m atrimony

is

a

cross

.

The best wedding present always comes from paterfamilias himself $ he gives away the br ide .

The favouri te colour wives is paris green

of

j eal ous

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In

matrim onial mathematics hus band and wife though two pers ons are o ne and in the course o f a year the re is gene rally one to carry ,

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REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER The reason that a man nearly always goes to some other town fo r a wife is thi s $ The girls in his town remember the time when he used to pinch them pull their hair tie tin kettles to dogs tails swing cats over a clothes line and stone bull frogs They won t have him ,

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S ome old songs Before marriage he

are still popular sings Come sit by my side little darling after m arriage she sings D on t you go Tommy don t go .

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invention is reported from Turin I n consists in the application o f light giving materials to printing ink by which prin t becomes luminous in the dark so that in fu ture it will be possible to read at night in bed or during a journ ey without the assistance o f candle or lam p But even this invention will not give writers a luminous style though I A

new .

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D O M ES T I C

BL ISS

dmit that it will light up the m ost obscure por tions o f their articles

a

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— The law o f matrimony the older and wealthier the groom the younger an d prettier the bride ,

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F amily afl e c tio n is a tender and beautiful plant, which cannot be t o o carefu lly nurtured S o stop sm o k ing before it is choked by t h e weed, .

and do not water it with alcohol

.

The worst thing that can happen to a family is a divorce s u it Th o ugh a cou ple may not be happy they shou ld never dis pair .

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there are no marriages in the next world then what is the mean ing o f that hymn beginning Ring $ the belles o f H eaven If

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REVERIES

OF

A PARAGRAPHER

The French law does not re cognise promises to m arry and quite a number o f eminent Frenchmen seem anxious to have it changed so that it will not recognise marriages either ,

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Miss E lmy o f E dinburgh says the married woman is the only servant who receives no wages but n eglects to add that the married man is the only slave wh o h as not been emancipated $



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A writer

says $ No cord or cable can draw so forcibly or bind so fast as love c an with a single th r ead That is true provided the thread is used fo r sewing on buttons ”

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32

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER he would have use d the adje ctives ” beautiful and accomplishe d

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Woman is a mystery an d m an is a conun drum But the mystery answers the conun dru m an d inv ari ably has the last word .

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He

who devotes sixteen h our s a day t o h ard stu dy may be come as wise at sixty as he thought himself at twenty .

Women are dangerou s Men are often stru ck by their beauty wound t heir co quetry c arried aw ay their conversation and fl att ene ou t by their extravagance .

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Most men ch oose their wives as they would p artners fo r a dance but in sele cting a bu siness partner they exercise some c au tion ,

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M AN AN D

WO M AN

eco nomi cal ho usewife is one spen ds less for dress in a year than her husban d spends on hims elf an d frien ds in a m on th An wh o

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Men wh o are very fon d of blowing their o wn tru mpet shou l d take a fe w lessons from nature The voi ce o f one very independ ent anim al cann ot be he ard any further than its ears can be seen .

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Though all the world turn against a m an his faithful wife will but c ling the cl o ser $ but let her once find a long an d unkn own h air o n h is c oat collar an d all the w o rl d cannot co nvince her that it got there by ac cident ,

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Women wh o have n ot sense enough to take bread sh ould marry rich or some day they may not have c ents enough to buy it ,



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REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HER looks odd to see a member o f the female branch o f the So ciety fo r the P reventi o n of Cruelty to A nimals wearing a stuffed bir d in her hat It

.

S ome

men very good in cut some familiar with

are li ke

cir cular saws their way but apt to people wh o are to o them ,

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a chi n di mple can let kiss her golde n hair without having her chin hurt by the diamond stud o n his manly bosom The dimple was designed by nature to fit the stud A girl with her afli an ce d

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The force of habit is finely illus t r at e d by the well k n o wn fact that a woman s will is seldom contested -



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lovers are so called to distin f uish them r o m the other lovers g who are slaves F ree

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36

M AN

AN D

W O M AN

P rudery

is not modesty immodesty masquerading

,

but

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N 0 man ever planned a noble action with a cold in his head .

The way to judge woman is to compar e her with women not with angels ,

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The young miss wh o stru m ps the piano while her mother washes the dishes will s ome day be telling her grand children how she used to work when she was a girl ,

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There was once a man who always told his wife all t h e news when he got h ome in the evening Being one of Natur e s m onstrosities he di ed without issue .



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If

a man does n ot make new acquaintances as he a dvances thro ugh life he will so on find hi mself left I f h e do es m ake new ao alone ,

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37

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HER i n u n a a c e s t q

he will be left alone anyhow if he becomes p oor and worried to death by borrowers if he is rich ,

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Michigan man was arrested and fined ten dollars fo r hugging a widow but h ow it was found out is a mystery A

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The only golden thing that w omen dislik e is silence .

Som e

men would c ommit suici de if they did not have some woman aro und to blame all their troubles on .

A P hiladelphia

housekeeper h as lo st all interest in the New Jeru salem S he has heard that its streets are paved with pure gold and the pavements never need washing .

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S ome women birds never sing

never l ove

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38

$

some

W O M AN

M AN AN D

romantic maiden wh o paints old china an d collects bric a brac has such a love fo r the antique that she is going to marry a r ich old wido wer A

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Nature evidently inte nded that woman should b e both good and beautiful for she is not permitt ed to have a beard to cover up the facial indications o f wickedness There being no hope fo r m an he was allowed this privilege so that the human rac e would not die out ,

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well kn o wn antiquarian wh o married a young widow says she is the m ost interesting relict he h as ever found A

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The world is made up of many men o f many minds but there is o ne — thing that all agree o u one s o wn sister is never half so interes ting as some other fell ow s sister ,





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39

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER The woman wh o laughs at love is a hyp ocrite or a m onster the man who laughs at love is a fool or a knave ,

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S ome

men are like the moon never brilliant until they are full like the moon too they are frequently u nder a cloud and periodically get to their l ast quarter ,

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H uman fl esh

is opaque and yet it is easier to see through a fat man than a slender woman ,

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boy wh o had been m asqu e rad ing in woman s clothes fo r a long time was at last exposed S ome o ne n o ticed that he could sharpen a pencil A



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The woman who sits up and cries because her husband is k ept very late at the lo dge does n ot bring him h ome any so oner and only makes h er nose as red as his ,

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40

REVERIES

OF

A PARAGRAPHER

A Vassar College girl, who took the first prize fo r mathematics, is still under the impression that a go od shoemaker can get six into two .

I t is easy to tell a total abstainer from a man wh o gets tipsy occasion ally The latte r when sober walks as straight as a bee line the form er .

meanders all over the pavement

.

beautiful woman without vanity or selfish ness is as rare as a great man without m odesty A

.

Woman can bear disappointment better than man When a woman goes fishing and does not catch any thing she rises superior to man and d oes not lie about it .

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The difference between an English ball room dress and the costume o f an I ndian squa w is that one is to o short at the top and the other to o s ho rt at the bottom -

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42

M AN

AN D

W O M AN

The weaker sex is anything but weak un der some circumstances A woman can pu t down a c a rpet tend the baby an d co ok a me al at the — s ame time but a man cannot even tack a carpet without h aving all the rest o f the family to help him .

,

,

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A P hil adelphi a belle flirting with an old b achelor was as ked if she was ” ” no t playin g with fire No, was .

the reply embers

only stirring up the

,



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The m ost difficult position a middle age d man can be placed in is to meet a maiden lady whom he knew in his b oyho od days and avoid mentioning h ow m any ye ars it is since they played blin d man s b u fl t ogether -

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American women differ from the women o f other nations in possessing t h e sense of smell I n n o other .

43

REVERIES

A PARAGRAPH ER

OF

c ountry do men che w cloves after drinking .

the rights of which women are deprived is the right to walk the streets in a last year s dress without being insolently stared at by every other woman she meets O ne

of



.

The severest test o f true love is reached when a man has to decide between renouncing his prize or enduring the tortures o f a fashi on able wedding .

G ossips

are the most accommodat ing creatures in existence 3 they even blush for each other .

It

is rem arkable h ow generou s fishermen are When you meet a m an wh o has returne d from a fish ing trip he always tells you that h e gave his share to the other fellow ’

.

.

44

M AN

AN D

WO M AN

pe al of laughter o f a women A

— belles the rippling group

of

pretty

.

The most conservative people in the worl d are o l d maids they ne ver like new wrinkles .

Woman h as one right which man has not When she drives a h orse through a crow ded street she always has the right of the road or what amounts to the same thing fo r every other dri ver does his best to get out of her way I t is m ore — gallant and s afer .

,

,

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Women with large feet have m ore delicate skins than w omen with small feet Those with large feet will not go o ut on a breezy day lest the wind sp oil t heir c omplexi ons but tho se with small feet are n ot afrai d of a hurricane .

,

.

45

LU GU BRI OUS LU CUBRATI ONS

TH E

se werage system in P aris can not be so c omplete as has been claimed None o f $ ola s novels have been carried away ’

.

.

Lives o f rich men all remind us We may mighty fortunes m ake And on dying leave behind us Wills fo r relatives t o break

,

.

What s a ship without a captain t o explain how it all h appened $ ’

H olland E urope

is the

ferry

land

of

.

the mind is what thousands are in need o f and a mind employment is what fo r their thousands m ore are in need of Employment fo r

,

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46

LU GU B RIO U S LUC U B RAT IO N S

Norwich (C t ) man aged ninety four has buried seven family physicians H e l u res them into t asting the medicine they prescrib e fo r him and th en throws what is left out o f the window All the dogs in that place are de ad too A

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There is one thing to favour o f croquet It played on S un day $ it much to wall in the front .

be said in is sel dom costs t o o yard .

S o me

people seem to thi nk that if they go to ch u rch on S unday morn ing t hey can be as mean as they please during the rest o f th e day forgetting the fact that they should re member the S abbath day to keep it wholly ,

,

.

A

machine fo r making pies h as been patente d but the inventor forgot to ad d an appliance fo r digesting them ,

.

47

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER Times have changed The wise man now sighet h $ O h that mine e nemy would run fo r o ffice .

,

— a bore try to

To get rid o f borrow money o f him

.

newly arrived F renchman hear ing that Cincinnati was the P aris o f A merica went there to live The Cincinnati papers innocently said the nex t morning there was no apparent ca use fo r the rash ac A

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,

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$

,

An

experienced physician says when you wake in the morning rise Never lie and an d dress at once I f there is anyt hi ng real drowse pleasant th at experienced physicians ar e willing t o advise I should like to hear it .



$

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,

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It

is an easy matter to keep cool at a fas hionable summer resort E ven if the t h ermometer should get far up among the nineties you can .

,

48

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER Never give way to the first attack F orce yourself to o f spring fever take exercise until the flies become sufficiently n umerous to afford the need e d in centive to exertion .

If

some one would only induce the mosquitoes to j oin a temperance society there are many men wh o could keep the ligh t burning and the windows Open all night without being bitten ,

.

ri ding should be e n fo r it is conducive to c ou r age d temperance A man may travel in a carri age or on horseback and stop at every wayside inn but no o n e ever heard o f a man comi ng home dr unk in a bicycle Bicycle ,

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,

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Cain s punishment was swift and his retribution terrible There were no sentimental juries and no lecture bureaus in those days .

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50

L UGU B RIO U S L U C UB RAT IO N S

Thrilling and sanguinary romance s which make the blood run cold are the best summer reading .

Do

not waste time in pleasure or recreation do not spend a moment with your family that can be given to busin ess do not allow your mon ey making schemes to leave your mind fo r an instant and e ven when asleep t ry to dream of them F orce every man to pay up to the last dollar with interest ,

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,

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You may not be happy yo u may not go to heaven but you can have a costly gravestone ,

,

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H enry

Ward Beecher is of the Opinion that spring bonnets can do no harm to church members and he is right I t is not the wearing o f a s pring bon net but the n ecessity o f winter s bonnet a ppearing in l as t that creates envy malice and all uncharitableness ,

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51

,

J O U RNA L I S M M A N Y a would b e statesman wh o -

,

thinks he could write volumes on the n eeds o f the nation would e x haust himself in a half a column editorial an d then have said n o thing new ,

,

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F ew

ne wspaper men re ach three — but then fe w want to s core and te n

.

The man with a club is one o f the w ise provisions o f nature intended t o relieve the monoto ny o f daily j ournalism As a ru le he d oes no dam age while he gives the staff much needed amusement and exercise ,

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,

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press club is an association of j ournalists wh o club together and h ire rooms Those who are regularly e mployed on newspapers never have A

.

52

N O U R A L ISM $

t ime

to visit the rooms and those wh o a re not e mploye d never pay any dues Th at is wh y pre ss clubs generally fail ,

.

.

Newspaper men should ma rk the wide difference which separates their profession from mere trade by always giving credit whether it is asked o r not ,

,

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— P aris edito rs lead a dual life one in the sanctum and the other in t h e suburbs .

Very

large newspapers are called blanket sheets becau se they are n ot of much u se except when people wish to sleep ”

,

.

A certain commerci al editor, w h o was once a small boy with a mother who knew the value o f a slipper in c ases of emergency, c annot to this day write about a movement in le ather without hit chi ng uneas ily in his ch air ,

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53

REVERIES O F A PARAGRAPH ER A

very pious man who never read anything but the Bib le an d would n o t touch a wicke d newsp aper is dead H e went to the city and blew out the gas ,

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S ome

exchange editors shou ld hang the sign N 0 Tru st over their desk they never give credit .

A bras s band , e dit o r, blows fo r

like an independent both parties .

The youth who has written a good commence m ent essay after fo u r months hard work always thinks hi mself qualified to get up lea ding editorials of the same length in three quarters of an hour ’

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There are people in Alaska including 3 3 9 who can re ad and yet no one has thought to start a paper there and claim circulation ,

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54

$O U RN A L IS M

The L ondon Times needs a fe w Americ an editors paragraphers critics reporters and li b el s u its to keep it from going to sleep ,

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S ome

newspapers come out o f the P ress very damp but they are dry enough by the time they reach their readers Rich upholstery m ay save a bad play but all the furniture that can be packed in a printing o flic e will not save a poor paper $



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The poetry of m otion is the average O de to S pring I t flies fro m the editorial desk to the waste basket in quicker time than any other species o f composition ”

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Ambitious

young men who hope to go to Congress should spen d a fe w years o n a newspaper They would then learn that it is possible to say something without talking rou nd it fo r two or three hours Many .

.

55

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER Congressional orat ors have nev e r b e en Newspapersmus t be of the feminine gen der Whenever one dons a new dress all the others are expected to H ow lovely $ whether e xclaim they think so or not .

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Bronson H oward the dramatist s ays th at in E nglan d the best re ason fo r not doing a thing is th at it h as not been done before P erh aps that e xplains why E nglish c omic papers never print anything funny ,

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The editor o f the S an F rancisco N ews L etter h as been experimenting on an ai r ship fo r years and now thinks he has su cceeded It will be so handy to step into when a man with a bill is coming upstairs that he expects to sell one to every country e di tor on the Continent -

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I f th e pe n is mightier th an t h e sword, why are not editors paid more than maj o r generals $ 56

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER It

is not necessary to know in order to become a e verything great edit or I t is o nly necessary to have a clear conception of what you don t know .



.

When a man comes into a news paper o ffic e and asks in tones trembling with suppressed passion Who wrot e that article $ it is t ak in g a mean advantage o f him to shift the responsibility to t h e biggest burliest c ompositor ab out the premises S ome scissor the gui de books and print the chapters as letters from abroad $ o ther papers pay some traveller to do it ,

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G e n eral S herm an is the first man in t h e United S tates to say to jo u rnalists $ Y o u know your b usi ” ness a gr eat deal better t han I do .

But no j ourn alis t has yet said to Gen eral S herman You know your busi ness b etter than we do ”

.

58

IND I VIDU AL ID I OS YNCRAS IES

S A R D OU S ” S ardou ’

m otto

Victory

an



.

There is a great de al o f pro se license in Walt Whitman s poetry ’

.

S arah Bernhardt d o es not speak true P arisi an French I have this on the autho rity of half a dozen Americans wh o learned the l angu age in a Connecticut S eminary .

.

The re as on Bonanza M ack ay works so hard is because he has a great lode on hi s mind .

S arah Bernhardt keeps a poodle dog S h e must have something to hol d on to du ring a h igh win d .

.

59

R EVERI ES O F A PARAGRAPHER $ ueen

last we dding present was a silver servi ce $ that job lot o f I ndia shawls h as evidently ru n out ’

Victoria s

.

P ierre L o r illar d s soul is reflected in hi s face $ his features are fine cut ’

.

Joseph Cook has a tre mendous advantage over other people He can deliver the sam e lecture over and over again to the same audi ence $ and as it is impossib le to turn the leaves of a dictionary as fast as he can talk no one kno ws the difference .

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Willie Winter is an honorary member of the Grand Army o f the P otom ac H e is one o f the bravest most gallant writers o f heroic verse in the country ,

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John B G ough is a tug boat fo r saving vessels whi ch in t h e voyage o f life h ave strande d o n the bars -

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60

IN

DI V ID UA L IDIOSYN C RASI ES

Tennyson s father was a clergy m an $ this accounts fo r the poet s love of p astoral subjects ’



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The Princess Louise is said to be very badly dressed I f she had t o go hu ckstering aroun d trying to get the largest amo unt o f nice materi al for the least money an d then sit down and make it u p herself she wo u ld be dressed like a princess .

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H enry

Ward Beecher s hobby is ru gs The floors of his house are adorned with rugs of every nation hue and textur e and even in his serm ons he prefers a ru gged style .

,

,

,

.

H awt horne was never k nown t o — spe ak ill o f any one but then he died before a go o d many men, no w well kno wn, bec ame prominent .

Be ac o ns field, in his novel E n dy ” mi on, says, speaking of Ameri ca $ 61

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPH E R $

A countrythat borro ws its language,

its laws and its religion cannot have ” its inventive powers mu ch developed Will D israeli please explain where he got his l anguage his laws and his religion Certainly n ot from his ancestors ,

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E mily S o lde ne was born with a — silver spoon in her m ou th a table

spoon

.

as reported $ ueen Victoria is u npopular in E nglan d it is be c ause her subjects d o not read history I f they did they would know that a b e judged not by what ueen sh o uld q she does b u t by what she don t do I f,

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,

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,



,

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B Anthony would follo w e and exhibit a Bernhardt s e x am m bust that she has made but she is afrai d people will suspe ct tha t she g ot a goo d de al of help from P hidias S usan

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62

I N DIV I DUA L IDIOSYN C RASIES An thony

C omstock always rej oices at the advent of Spring H e hates to see the limbs of the trees so bare .

.

have just discovered why Charles F ran cis Ad ams holds his head so high I t seems that the el der Adams was the son o f a farmer who never tried to p ass o ff an old hen fo r a spri ng chicken an d in addition he was also a cobbler who never told a lie or in any way disappointed his cu sto mers Who would not be proud o f su c h ancest ors I

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Carl S churz is a fine musician but he never playe d with m ore expressi o n than just after he j oined the Blu e Ribbon S ociety The selection was The Last S mile ,

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It

is sai d that James Gordo n Bennett is in love with the Princess Beat rice but I hope n o American j ournalist will s o far forget his po si ,

63

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPH E R tio as to m arry into that stu ck G uelph family n

-u

p

.

The Prince of Wales calls us hi s American cousins an endearing te rm which no one will object to so long as he behaves himself ”

,

.

When E li P erkins runs short o f s oap he takes a little fat and talks to it ,

.



I ke

Marvel ( D onald G Mitchell) would be quite wealthy were it not fo r t h e fact t hat he has t o support a model farm near New H aven Con .

,

n e ct ic u t

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O live Logan not only says th at P aris is t h e wickedest city on the ” face o f the earth but adds in the ,

ame breath visit

s

it s a lovely place ’

,

to



.

D i nner

parties at which the guests very young girls are calle d -

a re

64

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER into which he once talke d while in a fi t o f passio n he keeps it in his bed r oom and when he finds no buttons o n his shirt he calmly grits his teeth an d turns the phonograph ,

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E dgar Allan P oe broke himself ” o n the wheel o f his own making, a ccording to a learne d critic in the L ondon F or tnigh t $ he might have a dded that it w as not a water wheel -

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66

S O C I E TY

L AD I E S going to E urope should r emember th at after being presente d to the $ ueen they should not turn E tiquette around an d walk away demands that they shall wriggle o fl sideways as if their dresses had suddenly split Open in the back ,

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A

tandem team is not orn amental b u t it is useful in estimating the mental c alibre of the owner ,

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No man has a right to be proud o f his ancestors unless he h as so live d th at hi s ancestors if alive woul d be pro ud of him ,

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No gentleman smokes where it is — lik ely to ann oy ladies unless the ladies happen to be relatives .

67



R EVE RI ES

OF

A PARAGRAPHER

The society whi ch opens its doors to a betrayer yet shuts them to the betrayed must be constitute d very much like the s o ciety of Australia at the time that Australia w as a penal c ol ony I ts ranks were re cruite d from criminals neve r from their vi ctims ,

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men sometim es settle down just as the ground above a co al mine will settle aft er the coal is all taken F ast

$

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ou t

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When many Americans ar e in P aris the theatres there have very small audiences The P arisians ge t l the amusement they want listen al ing to the American s talk French .

.

When foes treat each other t o cigars and quietly talk over and patch up their differen ces nothing is s aid about it When they adjourn to the field of h o nah fir e miss an d sh ake h an ds a gre at de al is .



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68

,

,

SOC I ETY aflairs '

sai d about it $ yet both in smoke

en d

.

The pedigree o f a horse is o f little interest to the general public u ntil he wins a race I t should be r e m embered that in this country the same rule applies to men .

.

S o many goo d men that the wicke d do c

hance

are going wrong not get half a

.

make little difference whether it is spelled scandalise or scan d al lies It .

O bserving

men have noticed that the hair on the forehead of the Chimp anzee is always parted in the middle but in justice to the C hi m z e e s it should be state d that they n a p do not part it themselves I t grows that way ,

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69

R EVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER ’

Ameri c an ladies in E urope have the ch oice of we aring veils or be ing ” stared at as profession al beauties .

Russian baths are n ot popular at summer resorts $ it is pleasanter t o dance .

got into a fas hionable night but left without taking anything H e sai d he was not mean enough to rob p eople who had not been able to buy any ne w furniture for the las t two hundred ye ars A thief h ouse one

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Colorado S prings Col orado Terri tory is 6 000 feet above the sea has 7 000 inhabitants and n ot a saloon This is a remarkable inst an ce of total abstinen c e in high life ,

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F ashionable pickpo ckets in London tickle the n o ses of ladies who h appen 70

SO C IETY to be l ooking into shop win dows The fair hand involuntarily applies the white handkerchief to the itching nose and the naughty thief steals the purse from the expose d pocket I n Americ a the fashionable pick pockets tickle the ears o f the community with protest ations o f virtue and while people are wonder ing wh y they all cannot be such models of m o rality they run o ff with the fun ds .

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fashionable pose ff r r a h a ected by e s , g p

The

at the photo the London beauties is leaning against the j amb o f a kitchen door feedi ng chi ckens just as if the sight o f a London beauty in full dress would not scare the tamest chickens out of the range of the c amera ,

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a we dding everyb ody shoul d be in good humour an d that is t h e reason the organist always plays the march from Long grin At

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71

R EVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER D ar win would never have thought o f his the o ry had he n ot o ne day seen an American snob aping an E nglish swell .

A

writer says $ Wh at is calle d has been kno wn and aestheti c ism ” laughe d at for thirty years Very likely Some o f the aesthetic maidens I have seen look fully as ol d as that .

.

.

There is a good deal in a name O ne o f the leaders in Lon do n fashion is Mrs Freak e .

.

The ships o f to day are very small in comparison with those of the olden time The M ayfl ower was not re gar de d as a particularly large vessel fo r th ose d ays yet she brought ove r more furniture in one trip than the Gr ea t E astern could c arry back in o ne year -

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72

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER L ad ies wh o make a vulgar display o f diamonds on all occasions are perhaps excusable They may n ot have anyt hing else to be proud o f .

.

F ashionable teacups

are expen sive but they are so small that people who entertain a good deal o f company find it economy to buy them ,

.

P e ople wh o

become engaged at summer resorts are not required b y etiquette t o recognise e ach o the r after the season closes .

the autumn seaside belles don their modesty and full dress and go back to the city in time to bleach o u t fo r the O pera S eason In

.

S elf poise is when a m an suddenly confronted by an old creditor in a publi c place , warmly shakes h im by -

.

the hand and invit es him to dinne r ,

74

.

SO C I ETY The court fool disappears from society just about the time that the modern fop came in .

A

young lady who was recently married at Was hi ngton wore S il k stockings which her grandmot h er wore at her wedding and shoe buckles which b elonged to her great grandfather The amount o f poverty in this world is truly app alling ,

.

.

The proudest man at a fashionable wedding is not t h e groom but the youngest usher ,

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weddings cost fro m $ 1 000 to but the cost o f the wedding is not a safe basis by which to c alculate the amount o f happiness or misery whi ch is to follow S ociety

.

Coaching has been revived A hundred ye ar s from now som e h aughty Miss will gaze with despair .

75

REV ERI ES OF A PARAGRAPH E R o n an o ld photograph o f a four in h and, and s adly admit th at her gran dfather began life as a stage dr iver -

.

l adies tri m their lap dogs with ribbons an d then go hunting around t own for enough stuff o f the s ame colour to make a dress o f The dr ess o f the lady an d the ribbons on the dog must match Some

.

.

E nglish society m ay have its faults, but one thing c an be said in its favour The man wh o has spent h is time in storing his min d is more welcome than one wh o h as stored nothing but his b ank vault .

.

Wh en

th e

accomplish e d coquette begins her summer camp aign S atan takes a v acation ,

.

The rage for old fashi one d things is now so great th at society even counten ances marrying for love -

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76

SOC IETY The rear of a city house shoul d b e made more pleasant than the front I t is more use d by would b e fashion ables in the summer time .

-

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D eath is the only unwelc ome caller t hat c annot be put o ff with the stereo ” type d reply, Not at home .

I f D ame Nature had known what D ame F ashion was going to do, she woul d have covered the legs o f children with hair .

77

AR T,

M U SI C

,

A N D TH E DRAM A



H A M LE T S

costume shoul d be all in one piece fo r he says I know not ” seams ,

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The forest scene s o n the stage never appear natural The painters utterly ignore the necessity o f filling their ro cks and trees with patent me di cine adver tisements .

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Mu sicians are divide d into t wo classes those wh o like to hear themselves play and those who like to hear themselves sing .

The D uke o f E dinburgh before playing his v iolin puts resin on the strings as well as on the bow This gives the strings more resin ance .

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78

ART

,

MUS IC

,

AN D

T HE

DRAM A

The average actor needs m otion an d more emotion

less

.

D ramatists

preten d to hol d the mirror up to Nature and yet not one o f them has thought t o make any o f t h e domestic scenes n atural by hav ing a baby wake up yelling Stage babies never cry and the marrie d critics knowing that there is some t hing wanting though they cannot t hink just what it is tear the play to pieces on general principles ,

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O ne

of

the s adde st spectacles in O pera is to see a tenor di vi ding fl oral tribute s with the soprano G allant American audiences woul d like h im all t h e better if he would hand the lady even those addressed to him S he c ould then if so disposed hand them back and the applause would st art up afresh .

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79

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER A

wh o

kn ows nothing about Ar t c an visit all the noted galleries of E urope an d never ex pose his ignorance $ the rule is t o go into raptures over the ol d and ugly paintings and tu rn u p your nose at the fresh an d pretty ones person

.

The youngsters seen gathered about a stage door on matinee days are n ot all grandchildren of the ballet girls though some of them may be ,

.

an actress is her husband $ it is even more rare to see an actress supp orte d by her husban d I n theatric al circles sel dom managed by

.

What the m odern stage needs is a play written up to the artistic beauty of Worth s dresses ’

.

Amateu r connoisseu rs shoul d r e member when at a fine art exhibition 80

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAPH E R Noted European stars seldom c ome to America until they get old e nough to interest lovers of bric a brac -

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The characters in nearly every new dr ama are merely old friends with n e w phrases .

Levy the c ornetist is a strict tem l This is large y d ue to r a nc e man e p t h e fact that wh ile he was learning to play the com et he had to keep his wits ab out h im to avoid being The force o f habit h as a ssassinate d made h im very temperate ever since ,

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Among the Crow I n d ians a person wh o has lost a near relative is for bidden to sing fo r six m onths It is sincerely to be hope d t hat th is custom will never be introduced into civilised society Th e number o f m u rders is frightful to contemplate as it is, Witho ut adding another in c entiv e .

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82

ART ,

M USI C

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DRAM A

AN D T H E

The drama should go han d in hand with religion and it would were it n ot fo r the fact that the public won t pay fo r religion oftener than once a week and t hat is the day o n which the theatres are shut up ,

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A

prima d onna s voice is a casket o f j ewels full o f precious tones ,

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The only way to elevate the stage is to elevate the audience .

The most successful boo ks are th e ones that publishers are afraid o f and the m ost popu lar plays the ones whi ch m ost managers have feare d t o pro duce ,

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Next t o a good comedy there is nothing s o amusing as a p o or tragedy .

S o crates at an extreme old age learned to play on musical instru A ll persons wh o are not ments .

83

R EVE RI E S OF A PARAGRAPH E R i ed w ith a pec u l iarly sensitiv f t e g musical ear should follo w S ocrates example The older they are when they begin the better ’

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young actor can learn m ore by watching a P arisian o ff the stage than any other nation ality on it ,

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The organ grin der is the most orderly and inoffensive o f beings H e seems t o h ave a vague idea that allmankind is only waiting fo r a goo d excuse to lynch hi m and he c onducts himself accordi ngly .

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d onnas are not p ai d too much consi dering the high price of fl owers dur ing the ope ra season P rima ,

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music al critic has had his s alary raised H e wrote fifteen lines about o ne o f Chopin s compositions without using the words sombre and weir d more than twi ce A

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84

ART

MU SI C

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T HE

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little rift within the flute at last will make its musi c mute as the boarder said when he dug his j ack knife into the instrument owne d by the sad eyed young man in th e next room Jack Frost makes a capit al artist but his pictures lack warmth A



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More taste and knowle dge are require d in the choice of paintings The mere fact that a engraving is fade d an d ugly does not prove that it is by an old master .

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The average picture b uyer do es not purchase pictures but artists names with the pictures th rown in ’

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mem ber of the Chin ese legation at Washington says Americans wi ll have to be educated up t o Chinese music to enj oy it When Americans have been educate d up t o Wagner it will be time enough to t ackle Chinese music A

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85

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER is not strange th at actors should be cast down when c as t down It

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Wagner could probably improve his musi c by coming to America $ some of his compositions would be greatly benefited by change of air .

not h ave to pay any duty on her wardrobe S he smuggle s it th rough in her chignon S ol done d oes

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.

The path to greatness is beset by thorns b u t the path to theat rical greatness contains one Tho rne which no one desires to se e rem ove d ”

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The public no longer ask how many acts there are in t h e play but how many times t h e star changes her dress ,

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If

good music is an intellectu al enjoyment there should be no obj c c ti o n t o he ad notes -

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86

ART

.

M

USI C AN D ,

T HE

DRAM A

hundre d American girls ar e studying Opera in E urope I t Will be hard work to supply them with eight hundred original I talian labels $ but it mus t be done someho w F e w Americans can S ing well enough t o make any headway under their o wn names E ight

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I t only takes a go od play if talent fo r his

three weeks to write the a uthor has any work $ but it takes about ten more years to convinc e the average critic that it should no t b e boiled down a little more ”

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artist o f my acquaint ance painted a pict u re of h is um brella so natural ly that the first dear friend who came to the stu dio stole it A t alented

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Blin d Tom appears as the com ” As poser o f a March Timpani i l aye d by the average amateur t p sou nds like a march tin pan y with a dog in front .

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87

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RE VERI ES O F A PARAGRAPH E R S eventy

in Italy are l l iving opera and sti there are not g e nough to provi de all would b e prim a donn as with chances to make debu ts to empty benches an d insert p ai d u fl f f in the pro essi o nal pape r s or s p t ransatlantic e ffect t heat res ,

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Composers should be c ar eful to write their overtures in a key t hat will harmonise with t h e voices o f the boys wh o yell O pera Boo ks up to the moment the c urtain rises .

Many a prima donna has bu ilt up a reputation with the timber of her voice .

The decline o f the drama is pro bably owing t o the fact that the ublic never sees but about one enth t p o f a play the rest is bonnet ,

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Kossak well known as a musical critic in Berlin died in p overty H e was an honest critic ,

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88

R EVE RI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER s u ccessful that the inventor has gon e to work on an improved foot power fo r back parlours The idea is t o have an automatic contrivance which c an be set in motion from the chamber above when it is time fo r the young man to go -

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The you th who gets sh aved b u t once a mont h an d does not give the barber the impre ssion that he shaves twice a week can be trusted with the funds o f a bank or a S unday scho o l when he grows up You never kno w how much human nature there is in a child until you try and convince one that it is m ore blessed to give than to receive ,

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lady who never spanked her boy hard enough to hurt him finally hung in her sitting room the illu m i n at e d motto Whatsoever thy hand fin de t h to d o do it with thy might That boy reformed on t h e sp o t -

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90

YOU N G

A M ERI CA

Young America reads it $ Train u p f our athers in the way they should y go There was a time when the average boy s highest ambition was to go to sea or become a stage driver Now he is in doubt as to whether he would rather go West and fight I ndian s or wear a high hat an d s m oke cigarettes .



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naughty boy who t rie d to steal some preserves but go t his fingers pi n ched by a clam learned a lesson which h e will never forget H ere after he will first examine the j ar ,

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No problem o f life is more brai n racking t h an that which confronts the boy who is undecided whether to go to the circus or sav e his money for F ourth o f July fir e crackers -

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The usual mode o f celebrating t h e glorious F ourth o f July might occa sio n ally be varied by t aking the boys through a planing mill an d letting -

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91

R EVERIES

A PARAGRAPH E R

OF

of

t hem feel

the circular saws to see if they are in motion I t wou ld cost li ttle there would be less noise an d the result would be the same .

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S eth Green

shoul d turn his atten t ion to the rapid depletion o f the stock o f w o rms O ne boy will u se up seventy fiv e worms in catching three fish and all boys go fishing .

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No one knew why William Burton o f I owa lay down and died until a year after the sad event Th en they found a letter in which h e said I k an not bare to liv aft er Muther has Boxt m y ears P oor boy $ he pro bably thought th at as his ears h ad been boxed they might as well box the rest of h im ,

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phrenologist wants parents to find out their child s speciality an d then cultivate it just as if the worl d wo uld be any better if boys were trained to the pro fession o f at tachin g ol d c ans to stray d ogs ’

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92

REV ERIES

OF

A PARAGRAPHER

S moke d glasses and are well en ough fo r the fo r strawberry festivals

blue glasses seaside but red glasses s hould be worn to protect the eyes from the glare o f the white pl ate an d assist the imagination at the same time An ozone generator for the manu facture o f mountain air in every i ng is a new invention c ity dwell All the world nee d s now is something to manufacture rocks brambles and s n akes an d a great deal o f money can be saved every summer ,

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hour confessions sho uld be received with caution $ the criminal may b e lying on his deathbed The telephone is a great inst it u tion You may have a confidential c hat with a friend a mile o ff and no o n e can hear you excep t the people who happen to be withi n h alf a s quare o f the instrument into which u are shouting o y E leventh

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94

I

N

IGH T

T H O U GH TS

As

a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump a little rock and rye will make the whole worl d rock a wry so I have been tol d ,

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turtle with a d ate on his back is no more use than one without what this country s uch a decoration n eeds is some system o f registering the birthday o f chickens so that the fi gures will show when the feathers A of

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a r e o ff

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is difficult to see wh y lace should I t is mostly holes b e so expensive a n d holes are cheap It

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Joshua was not perm itte d t o r etain the power o f making the sun The temptation to u se s tand still it when first waked up in the morning would have been too s trong to resist .

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do not beli eve that even I ngersoll h as the heart to tear from the nursery t h e d ear ol d faith in S anta Cl aus .

95

REVERIES

OF

A PARAGRAP H E R

P rosperity adversity is

is a great teacher $ a greater a kind o f human nutmeg grater as it were -

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The bicycle has been pronounced a most abominable an d d angerou s nuisance by a London magistrate H e must h ave been trying to rid e one When a m an wakes up very late h e is angry when he wakes u p t o o early he is angry an d whe n he wakes u p just at the right time he is angry becau se he can t lie abed a littl e longer F ew men ever get u p in goo d humour ”

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Boston composer has set t h e roar of Niagara F alls to music but as he neglecte d to introduce t h e clinking o f h alf dollars at the toll gates it does not soun d natu ral ,

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M ilan has a cu riosity in a clock whic h is made e ntirely o f bread (it 96

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAP H E R Prosperity adversity is

is a great teacher $ a greater a kin d of human nutmeg grater as it were -

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The bicycle has been pronounced a most abominable an d dangerou s nuisance by a London magistrate H e must h ave been trying t o rid e ”

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When a m an wakes up very lat e he is angry when he wakes u p t o o early he is angry and whe n he wakes u p just at the right time he is angry becau se he can t lie abed a littl e longer F ew men ever get u p in good humour ,

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Boston composer has set t h e roar of Niagara F alls to mu sic but as he neglecte d to introduce t h e clinking o f half dollars at the toll gates it d oes not soun d natural ,

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Milan has a curiosity in a clock which is m ade e ntirely o f bre ad (it 96

NI

GH T

T HO U GHTS

must be German bre ad) I have l ong believed that boardi ng house bre ad c ould be put t o some practic al use but never thou ght o f making cl ocks o f it What en during material it would be for t ombstones .

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As

soon as a housekeeper succeeds in making a servant girl keep her pl ac e she leaves it ”

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Give your son a good educati on $ the family circle shoul d have an heir o f cu lture .

American mothers so love the stars and stripes they continually ” s ing b u y a baby bu nting .

The etern al fitness of things de mands that feathers u sed for tri m ming spring bonnets should be from birds with very long bills .

Nitro glycerine will cu re hay fever I t should be well shaken before t aken -

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97

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R EVE RIES OF A PARAGRAP H E R Prosperity adversity is

is a gre at teacher $ a greater a kind of human nutmeg grater as it were -

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The bicycle h as been pron ounced a most abominable an d d angerou s ” nuisan ce by a London magistrate H e m u st h ave been trying t o rid e one When a m an wakes up very late h e is angry when he wakes u p t o o early he is angry an d whe n he wakes up j u st at the right time he is angry becau se he can t lie abed a littl e longer F ew men ever get up in good humour ,

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Boston composer h as set t h e roar of Niagara F alls to music but as he neglecte d to introduce t h e clinking of half d ollars at the toll gates it d oes not soun d n atu ral ,

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Milan h as a cu riosity in a clock which is made entirely o f bre ad (it 96

R EVE RIES OF A PARAGRAP H E R Prosperity adversity is

is a gre at teacher $ a greater a kind of h u man nu tmeg grater as it were -

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The bicycle h as been pronounced a most abominable and dan gerou s ” nuisance by a London magistrate H e must h ave been trying to rid e one When a man wakes up very late he is an gry when he wakes u p t o o early he is angry and whe n he wakes u p j ust at the right time he is angry because he c an t lie abed a littl e longer F ew men ever get up in good humour ,

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Boston composer h as set t h e roar of Niagara F alls t o music but as he neglecte d to intro duce t h e clinking of h alf d ollars at the toll gates it does not soun d natural A

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M ilan h as a curiosity in a clock whi ch is m ade e ntirely of bre ad (it 96

NI

GH T

T HO U G HTS

must be German bre ad) I have long believe d that boardi ng house bread c oul d be put to some practic al use but never thought of making clocks What enduring material it o f it would be for tombstones .

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soon as a housekeeper su cceeds in making a serv ant girl keep her pl ac e she leaves it As



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Give your son a good education $ the family circle should have an heir o f culture .

American

mothers so love the stars and stripes they continually s ing buy a baby bu nting ”

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The etern al fitn ess of things de mands that feathe rs used for trim ming spring bonnets shoul d be from birds with ve ry long bills .

Nitro glycerine will cure hay fever I t should be well shaken before taken -

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97

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REVE RIES

OF

A PARAGRAPHER

Mother Shipton wh o predicte d railroads the telegraph etc was not such a prophetess after all S he did not pre dict that the day wo u l d c ome whe n young men would go out riding on a big wheel with a little wheel follo wing along beh ind ,

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O ne

obj ection

urged against women s su firage is that wives would vote the same way as their husban ds but in Wyoming it h as been found that the husbands vote the same way as their wives ‘



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O l d F ather

Tailor the celebrate d sailors preacher used to say $ Th e way fo r a man to be eloquent is to get h i mself chuck full o f his subject an d then knock o u t the bung and let hi s ideas flo w naturally This is very goo d in theory but experience h as sho wn that the flo w is too often o f a bung come character ,



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98

REVERI ES

A PARAGRAPH E R

OF

My pet cat h as taken charge o f a brood o f chicke n s H ow dis appointe d she will be when in aft er years she finds that the brood go quietly to roost i nstead of getting up on the back fence to yowl $ .

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Bugs are seld om regarded as bless ings but lightning bu gs must b e an exception $ they al ways brighten as they take their flight ,

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mule canno t carry an u mbrella u n der o n e arm with the point stick ing out behind but he can do almost as much damage with his heels if given a fair chance ,

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poet calls the humming bird a wi nged emerald by swiftness turn ed to golden mist A very pretty con c c it as anybo dy will find wh o tries to catch one The winged emerald will soon be missed -

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1 00

N IGH T T HO U GH TS A N ew

York milk dealer tie d his cows to a tree with pieces of old tele graph wire A thun derstorm came up an d the forc e o f habit was so strong in the wire that the cows were d espatched -

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Young wri ters should lear n to weigh their words an d if they have not a pair o f scales handy a goo d rule is to remember t h e longer a word the greater the weight Many long words therefore make a he avy — one which will dr op into the a rt icle waste basket by it s own gravity ,

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After Adam an d E ve had been marrie d ten years they had a census taken an d because the enumerator did not return 5 000 inhabitants Ad am kicked up a terrible r o w about it There is a goo d deal o f the old Adam in mankind yet ,

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Love an d hope are the horse goo d temper the and wagon an d ,

1 01

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER ax le grease of life F ew burdens can be carrie d far without the m ,

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The flower which we do not pluck is the only one which never loses its beauty and fragrance S entimental w ri ter leave the woman on the parent stem until she becomes an old m aid an d then see h o w your theory ans out p ”

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When a strange dog shows his teeth and holds his tail perfectly Wait s till d o not walk any further fo r the wag on .

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The title o f prince in Russia is a bout equal to that o f E squire in E ngland and Mr in the U nite d S tates .

Try to make a good impres sion at the start An ounce o f prevent shun is worth a poun d o f cure .

1 02

REV E RI ES

OF

A PARAGRAPH E R

is a rem arkable fac t that criminals often esc ape the gallows because the jury h as been hung It



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A frien d o f mine h as given h is girl b aby the pretty and approp ri ate name of I nsomnia .

not throw away a piec e of j u st becau se it is all tan gle d up The ol d adage says $ Was te kn ot want kn ot Do string .



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The first alm anac was printe d in 1 4 60 Copie s o f it are h ard to get no w They h ave all been bought up b y m instrel men .

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sh oe maker wh o always u ses n othing but cowhi d e claims to sell c alf s skin boots A

Philadelphia

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To dream is to think during sleep but it does not follow that to think is to dream while awake thou gh many people seem to be o f th at o pinion ,

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1 04

N

IG HT

T HO U GH TS

I n some parts of I relan d the sleep wh i ch knows n o waking is always fo llowe d by a w ake which knows no s

leeping

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The fact that s o many N ew Y ork belles are han dsome is another illustration of D ar win s theory the survival of the fittest The pretty girls are helpe d ac ross Broadway by g allant policemen and live to be co me the m others of pretty children the h omely girls have to look out fo r themselves and are kille d o ff by the passing omni b uses ’

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Moisture contracts more than cold No amou nt of free z ing will transform a large statu e into a statuette but a little water will make a Colossus a statue wet .

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Th e sto ri es

prac tice o f printing serial in m agazines arose from th e 1 05

R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER necessity of inventing s ome way to indu ce women to begin at the first ch apte r inste ad o f the las t .

There is a place in the S andwich I slands c alled Wichita Kau the letter fo r whi ch plac e dire cted via S an F rancisco and C hi na m ail reaches Wichita Kau with great regularity and yet ten chances t o one if you write to a d ear fri end in Wichita Kans as fo r a short loan he will de clar e to his dying d ay that the letter must have gone t o Wichita Kau ”

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In

vo ting local appropriations Congressmen are influenc ed by the — Mosaic law an aye fo r an aye .

Baby c arri ages should be provide d with high dash board s so as t o prevent pedestri ans wh o are run into from falling o n the baby -

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1 06

REV ERIES OF A PARAGRAPH ER the hour th an the best brass ban d that e ver encou rage d a pedes trian .

When

a dairyman exclaims $ The ” milk is soure d by thun der, he is n ot swearing, but merely stating a fact , as he un d erstands it $

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1 08

PART II

F L EE T I N G FANC I E S

No man feels like laughing when he bumps h is funny bone -

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When ri ches take to themselve s wings friends fly away .

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chief glory is not in never falling but in rising every tim e we — fa said Confucius but he never walked on a slippery pavem ent ,

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Mince pie was discovere d in 1 5 96 Dyspepsia was discovered in 1 5 97 -

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1 09

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R EVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HE R no engine e r can fin d Why a boiler should bu rst o ut when it never burst b efore S omething .

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P oliteness

may be nothing but veneering but a veneered slab h as the advantage o f being withou t splinters ,

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I

know a choir singer so m odest that she always gets it As u n me nt io nab les the hart fo r c ooling et c s treams ,



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Never fail to o ffer to an elderly w oman

th e

e as y ch air -

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The women in the University C ollege L ondon c all themselves w omen $ t h e women in a n otio n s h op next d o or call themselve s n o t but s ales ladies The saleswomen men in the same shop c all themselves not sales gentleme n b ut s alesmen ,

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REVE RIES OF A PARAGRAPH E R Ame ric an s wh o ape the E nglish lack o ne important qu alification The average E nglishm an h as sou n d c omm o n sense .

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A lo ok of human hair h as been foun d in the heart o f a l arge tree in I s u ppo se that N e w Yo rk State many years ago some farmer left a roll o f b u tte r in a crotch of the sapling, and then went o ff and forgot abou t it .

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the P aris P ost Office was found in a panel adj acent to the letter box a letter which had been posted fifty years before The woman who wro te it might almost as well have given it to her hu sband to mail In

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Columbus made an egg stan d on its end by breaking the shell $ but if he had treated it properly he could in due time have made it st and on its feet ,

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112

F LEET

I N G FANC I ES

Westfield M as s

h as a

blin d physi H e is c ian with a large practice not however the only doctor wh o oes it blind g ,

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The reason so many people lo o k at the ballet through opera glasses is be c ause being modest they desire t o magnify the dresses as much as possible ,

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Man never fully comprehends the phrase paying the piper until he r uns against a pl u mber s bill ”

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S tatistic s show that divorced w omen are nearly all incapable of making go od p u mpkin pie .

Adam Forepaugh

says Bo ston is the best circus city in the U nite d States an d now the Bo stonians pronoun ce his first n ame very de ,

lib erat e ly

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R EV ERIES O F A PARAGRAPH E R A

parrot that swears in S panish is ’ a curiosity on Vl as h ingt o n H eights I t is su pposed to have N e w York been the property o f a titled heiress hunter H aving cau ght a weak brained heiress he had no further u se fo r the parrot ,

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r i A me c an ) (

Good

wine needs no bush but it can t get along without a French label ’

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Rest

is

always

no t

change of scene is life as in a play

as

recreation necess ary in

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The White

P resident s H ouse ’

Messuage

Th e

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What is the u se of talking abo ut Women s Rights H alf the women in the cou ntry do not u se the rights they have one of which is the right to spank their children when they deserv e it ’

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1 14

REV ERI ES OF A PARAGRAPH E R Ab ou t the o nlyt hing th at Ameri can

patent medicines do not claim t o cure is the eruption o f Mount Vesu viu s .

The pain caused by a b ee sting c an be instantly relieved by j u mping into a mu d pu ddle -

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The hardest thing in th e w orld t o catch is a beautiful heiress $ t h e e as iest thing in the world t o c at ch is a cold .

A once trusted cashier, wh o used t o le ad the Sun day S chool in O h, had ” I the wings o f a dove, n ow sigh s fo r a pair o f seven le agu ed b o ots -

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To endure in silence may be brave but it is oft en folly The lo u der the small boy yells the sooner the slippe r ceases to move ,

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The champion gymnast o f E urop e is called the German Talmage pro bably because he is so moral ,

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116

F LEETI N G FAN C I ES The reason many men prefer a oung widow to a coy m a iden is y because a widow knows someth ing o f the value o f ti m e and does not say no when sh e means yes ,

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Wh en a man puts on his Sunday clothes t o go o ff on an excursion he never leaves his pocket book in his o ther suit as he is so apt to do whe n only going to church ,

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The waiters at summer hotels are not the persons who take t h e orders but the guests who never fe e ,

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F resh water with a little ammonia in it is said to be a good substitute fo r a se a bath , and by making t h e

solution strong enough you can burn the skin o ff your nose just the s ame as if you had gone to the sea shore and given the sun a chance -

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1 17

R EV ERI ES OF A PARAGRAPH ER A P hiladelphi a ( P a ) dr uggist h as a m odel o f the Cologne Cathedr al, with a spray o f perfumery coming from it, on his counter I t is a little o ne fo r a s c ent .

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The Germ an He ine was le ss o f a poet th an P oe less o f a humorist than Twain less o f a cynic than G e orge Arnold less of a blas h m r th a n I ngersoll and yet e e p H eine achieved wo rld wi de fame ,

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s electric light is all right but he will not give it to the public until he has invente d an appli ance to turn it down very very lo w H e w as young himsel f once E dison



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When the father is b ad it is like father like son when the fa the r is good this ru le seldom applies ,

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1 18

D EE P

ON E

D E L VI N GS

of

the cottages at Mount D esert h as the body painted red and the roof old gold I t looks as if it had been covered with molasse s a nd a sunset h ad stuck fast to it ”

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When it begin s to rain at the sea shore half the bathers rush out of the water and n early break their necks getting to the bath houses before they think h o w ri di culous they are -

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There are four College men in the Cabinet yet not one of them ever pulled stroke oar in a boat race or pitched fo r a victorious nine I s it any w onder they sank int o $ politics ,

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1 20

D EE P

D E L VI N GS

an d worrying are often the cause as well as the effect of dis e ase F retting -

.

There is no rose witho ut a thorn The family that c an bo ast o f hav ing des cended from the M ayflower has a painfully slim chance o f falling heir to half a dozen millions left by some uncle in the old country .

.

S tudy thy friend s virtues through a mi croscope $ examine his fau lts throu gh the wrong end of an opera ’

glass

.

An

engraver in a noted jewellery establishment designed a m onogram which could be read H e was of course discharged .

.

D id spring

you ever notice the rubber $ under a street car That is what boardi ng house spring chickens are named aft er -

.

1 21

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER The almond eyed heathen com m o nly known as the Chinese h ave a c urio u s custom o f paying their d ebts before entering upon the N e w Ye ar s festivities N0 use trying to c ivilise a people so far be hi nd the age as that -



.

.

P reachers should always endeavour t o select a text which carries its o wn explanation and its own moral, fo r

the text is about all that the average au di tor tries to remember .

There should be no caste in a republic except the cast which makes a bronze monument in honour o f l ofty virtue ,

.

Boston club man says $ Whist is a game of calculation observa tion and position H e h as hit it Ge t a position where yo u e x actly c an see your Opponent s hand make an d then your c al an observation cul ation will be all right A

,



,

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1 22

R EVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER F amily

parents and ants ,

picni cs are made up o f childr en sisters c o u srns .

,

,

,

.

When a woman leaves a man wh o h as not earned his salt fo r years he imme diately advertises that he will p ay no de b ts of her contracting ,

.

The soft pedal o f the piano is — seldom used by good players except o n S undays .

The cat in the British Navy was abolished the moment t hat some one suggested to the Admiralty that the change would rob Pinafore o f its chief point and eventually kill it o ff .

,

The worst thing about the Chinese is th at they are so imitative that they soon acquire all the American vices and then cannot be depended on any more than any one else ,

.

1 24

D EE P

D EL VI N GS

feet above the Leadville is level o f the sea The people there have a high old time generally .

.

William P enn believing that a love fo r bright colours is a vanity m ade P hiladelphia streets s o narrow that fe w inhabitants could see the sun set wi thout going to the hou setop ,

,

.

The practice of hanging a yellow fl ag at the d o ors of houses containing s mallpox patients has been fro wned down the temptation to use it when rent is in arrears h aving been fo u nd too strong to resist ,

.

There never was a w o man who did not determine to make her lover st0p smoking after they were married The cons u mption o f tob acco in creases annu ally .

.

Lazy men cann ot break the S abbat h When they work at all it is always a labour o f necessity .

.

1 25

REVERI ES O F A PARAGRAP H E R Guests at summ er mu ch frequented by always like to wat c h in

resort hotels bridal parties the tied come

.

Many promising you ng men seem t o have an idea that the quotation ” B as e is the slave that pays is to be found somewhere in the Bi b le ,

,

.

is very pretty b ut it should not be worn at weddings I t is too suggestive I llusion

,

.

.

— A fact not generally known that the rapid population of the Great West by people from t h e E ast is du e simply to the desire of young couples to escape from mothers in law -

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Army

men say th at a m an can out march a horse b u t then a horse cannot be made to understand that there is gl ory ahead o r an enemy in the rear -

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1 26

R EV ERIES OF A PARAGRAPH E R kissed a girl in his life and never permitted one to kiss him H e will n ever amoun t to much ,

.

.

difli cu lt to become familiar with the wheels o f a watch, so many o f them travel in cog

It

Is

.

S ewer

gas brought direct to your bedrooms cheap fo r cash woul d be an appropriate S ign for some plum b ers ”

,

,

,

.

fo r

old fashi oned things should b e extended to schools and colleges Give the young a solid mahogany education instead of a little veneering on a white pine basis Th e

rage

-

.

-

.

S elf raising flower

is very good so far as it goes but what this world n eeds is se lf raising sal aries -

,

-

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1 28

DE E P

D ELVI N GS

once knew a woman wh o c ould cut a boy s hair so that it wou ld not look as if he had just had a n arro w e scape fro m a thrashing m achin e I



.

Country fair managers may mean well enou gh in o ffering prizes to the woman with th e most children but they always give such sh ort notice ,

.

Kimball h as raise d from ch u rch members where m or e religion had failed .

maiden with a fine he ad of h air does not have t o study ph iloso phy to learn the power o f c apillary attraction A

.

If

banana trees like some plants could be grown from the slip city streets would be well sh aded -

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,

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I

1 29

REVERI ES O F A PARAGRAPH E R It

is n o t the tho ught that he mu st be eaten that sad dens the early o s t er $ it is the re fle ction that he y Will never be able to flavour a qu art o f water at Church festivals .

When an American girl m arries a title it is generally only a tie till he gets all her money away from her -

.

1 30

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HE R The girl wh o sings Will you lo ve m e when I m old should stop asking such conundrums and make the most o f her time while she s young ,



,



.

scientist o f my acquaintance put the bulb o f his thermometer into a hot whisky punch and the mercury bec ame elevated A

,

.

i

the unwr tten laws o f th e — ball room When the ban d begins t o play prepare to hug O ne

of

-

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,

The American people pay P resi dents a year damages fo r the libels circulated about them during the campaign .

It

is wrong to laugh at lovers P ity the blind

.

.

Woman is the angular elbo w

dimple

.

1 32

in Nature s ’

ALT I TU DI N O U S AS PIRAT IO NS Lond on p apers talk about the ” quaint unem o tional American tone They never heard a poli tical speech followed by three cheers and a tiger .

,

,

.

There is a woman in I n diana who claims to be possessed o f a devil The only difference between her and a great m any others is her candour



.

.

No city man is thoroughly h appy until after he has boarded o ff o ne s ummer at a far away farmhouse Aft er that the knowledge th at he will never again h ave to go through the same experienc e fills his soul with an ine fl ab le bliss which n o future mi sfortune can e fl ac e -

.

,



,



.

The ruling p assion strong in death was illustrated by the last wor ds of a London belle $ D on t let th e mourners step o n my fune ral train ’



.

1 33

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER Nothing is sure in this world E ven he who marri es at leisure may repent in h as te .

.

I t h as been discovered, acc ordi ng to a fashion j ournal, that an old

hat can be made into a new work basket but the sum of human happiness will not be attained until old work b as kets can be made into n e w hats ,

-

.

F oreign

visitors h as ten to Niagara F alls and then go home and write that one cannot walk half a mile in America without passing through a toll gate that the American I ndians t alk with an I rish brogue and that all hack drivers are or ought to be millionaires ,

-

,

,

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,

,

.

It

is generally conceded that t h e sea serpent has a head and neck like a black bottle and a tail like a corkscrew ,

.

1 34

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAPHER The m ost popul ar writers are those wh o keep t wo thirds of their pro du ct io ns in their desks -

.

S ociety wom an is

never finds out that a lovely and acc omplished until her hu sband bec omes great .

If

th at New York inventor who claims to have discovered a process fo r m aking all fabrics w aterproof is su ccessfu l he will deserve a high place among the reformers o f the age for he will render u mbrellas useless an d put a st0p to an immens e amoun t of thievery ,

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1 36

SO L ID S E N S E

may be the P resident o f the S tates a Member of the Cabinet or a great General in the army yet when a lady asks him t o hail a street car he will sink into utter in sign ific an ce beside the boot black who can whistle between his fingers A M AN U nited

,

,

,

,

.

persons wi th soun d teeth c an hear best with the audiphone D eaf

.

The reason that men who go from one political party to another are called fl oppe rs is because they always act like fish o ut o f water .

1 37

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER a rule a pretty daughter will give her father more trouble than her mother gave him As

,

,

.

I f m an th e

is only a little lower than angels the angels should reform ”

.

,

The best place fo r a porou s plaster during the house cleaning a nd putti ng u p store season is ove r the mouth -

-

-

.

The difference between ne c essities an d luxuries is generally measured by the pocket book -

.

A

ring around the moon in di cates rain $ a ring around a girl s finger also indic ate s reign ’

.

G eorge Eliot was not bu ried in Westminster Abbey H er friends obj ected to having the remains of .

1 38

RE VERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER cl ams,

he ar ing that

Club was for C hina

on

its



F at

Man s way there started a

,

.

S noring is considered a good ground fo r divorce in O hio, and teache rs of snoring make a fat living .

a painfully suggestive fact that the first thing taught i n bicycle s chools is how to fall o fl I t is



.

O ver

indulgence in alcoholic drinks produces dangerous enlargement o f the liver and serious contraction o f the pocket book -

-

.

A

popular ornament fo r the — table Bass reli ef

di nn er

-

.

I f Noah

took a pair o f mosquitoes into the ark with hi m he found that folly carri es its own punishment ,

.

1 40

S

O L ID SEN SE

When you pay 1 5 0 cents at a pharmacy fo r a small phial of dis tilled water and an infinitesimal qu antity o f something else you pay 1 05 c ents fo r the materials and 45 cents for the knowledge o f h o w Knowledge is t o c ombine them wealth ,

.

.

.

in real life end happily The villain of the pie c e generally buys a brown stone front an d after death is followed to the grave by twenty fiv e carriages some of them fi lled while his vi ctim is fo u nd dead and sent to a dissecting room F ewdram as

.

,

-

,

,

-

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The daughter o f a Canton ( Oh io) judge wh o sentenced the three boy murderers to be hung gave them each a kiss before their execution and as she is rem arkably pretty all the boys in that neighbourhood are saving u p their pennies to b u y pistols ,

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1 41

REVERI ES O F A PARAGRAPH E R Beauty in a woman s sweetness I n a woman s mere matter of taste ’



fac e, lips,

lik e is a

.

Money m ay be th e root of all evil b u t a man without it is like a tre e with o ut its root ,

.

Chinamen can t whi stle and a s all Americans c an and do it is not strange that the Chinese sh ould want to get back to their native land as soon as they have money en ough ’

,

,

.

E ve ry youth fancies himself fairly started on the road t o the Wh ite House when he sees his name in the papers among the secretaries o f a '

.

ward meeting

.

An Englishman wh o always mis ’ places his h s an d generally gives a and o the same sound, will talk as glibly abou t the Am erican ac cen as if he knew h o w to speak t h e E nglish langu age himself .

1 42

REV ERIES OF A PARAGRA PHER No man ever k nO ws what happi ness is until he has a wife and b aby N 3 H e won t kno w it then if t h e baby has good lu ngs .



.

.

.

fin ds the do wny pillo w hard while in the spring the man with a new lawn mower will snore upon a flint Sloth

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Three little words occu r in nearly all biographies or o b itu aries o f public men They are H e read law ”

.

.

A P aters o n

down so deep now coming up

well

firm has b ore d a that salt water is

.

I t is easy enough to get a big p arade o f any kind in house cleaning .

When a m an enters a crowded street car with a l ady and some ,

1 44

SO L ID SEN S E other man gives her his seat there are two things that lady s escort should do $ F irst thank the stranger for his little sacrifice $ and S econd determine to be equally polite when occas ion o fler s S hould this rule be followed a little leaven o f politeness would soon leaven the whole lump o f c ar travelling h u manity ,



,

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,

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mine who was stung ten times by bees one summer is preparing a s weet revenge H e will have his front yard planted with artificial flo wers saturated with ammonia A friend

of

.

.

O ld S ol h as a good deal o f sou nd I n the su mmer he gets up in sense the cool o f the morning, but in the winter he does not rise until several .

hours later

.

Niagara F alls has long been used — as a motive to draw people to high priced h otels .

x

1 45

REVE RIES OF A PARAGRAPHER The only way to fall out o f love with a woman is to converse con fide nt ially with her neighbours and inti mate friends .

Th e E nglis h

people fin d royalty so ruinou sly expensive that they have induced the royal fami ly to witness the operations o f American mowing machines All however were still alive at last ac counts ,

.

,

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A

ci ty hotel wi thout a diamon d studded clerk wo uld be as great an anomaly nowadays as a country inn with out a P atent Office report on c entre table .

Men who are moderate drinkers before marriage generally become i m moderate drinkers after it b u t all the world could not make t h e a verage girl believe it ,

.

1 46

REV E RIES OF A PARAGRAPHER There is a protest against Fre nch b ills o f fare in American hotels They are o f no use to people wh o do not unde rstand the l ang u age an d their bad F rench always sho cks t h e sensibili ties o f those wh o .

,

do

.

The man who wrote Backward turn bac kward 0 Time in thy fligh t was probably thinking o f the girls h e might have kissed and didn t ,



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,

.

Bernhardt says Am eri can men have no poetry S he ough t t o edit a paper for a while $ and she would so on find a man without poetry more welcome than the chap wh o comes in with an armful ”

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The only sure way to avoid shi p wreck is to stay on shore and take the chances o f being run over by h orse cars h acks or load e d wago ns ,

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1 48

RAN DO M SHOTS accidentally or intentionally shot ling walls or smashed c rushed by fal up in railroad collisions ,

,

.

Reform

by the

is the cry always started ” outs to oust the ins ”

$

.

The most conceited men in thi s world are those who imagine that they understand woman .

the practice o f vitri ol throwing is rare F ew E nglish women have such dangerous beauty that rivals wish to destroy it I n E ngland

.

.

The reasons su ch large numbers c an be found in a stree t car is b e c ause it is the grand tote all -

.

H um an

nature is the same all except in a horse o ver the w orld — where it is a good deal more so c ar ,

.

1 49

R EVE RI ES OF A PARAGRAP H ER E ven inanimate thi ngs ar e co r r u pte d by b ad exam ple When the engineer g oe s on a bust, the boiler is apt to do the s ame .

.

A

you th seldom becomes stage struck u ntil he is ac tress str uck -

.

D ry go ods stores and pocket books have the ir fall opening at the same -

time

.

Money spent in ex travaganc e never comes back unless it h appens to be c ounterfeit ,

.

The standard o f cul ture is still very low I t is not the newsboy with a first clas s paper but the organ grin der with a monkey that rak es in the pennies .

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1 50

REVE RI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER The height o f the su bli me is reache d when a mu si cal critic wh o h as been waked u p at four o clock every mo rn ing fo r three months by an as piring pianist next door conquers his r e b elli o u s spiri t and gives a favour able noti ce o f a concert in which that pi anist perfo rms ,



,

,

.

P oor

ve ntilation in churches puts more Christians to sleep than poor sermons .

An

international c onvention o f amateur poets is soon to be held I ts obj ect is to devise some mean s o f compelling pu b lishers t o pay fo r poetry by the yard instea d o f by the poun d .

.

H ealth

journals will never be popular with the ultra fashionables until they stop wasting space on the care of children and give more attention to the diseases o f lap d ogs -

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1 52

RAN DO M SHOTS The differenc e between wit and wisdom is that any one can be wi se if they are willing t o learn .

I t is very di fficult to write flo w ’ ingly with ink that won t flow .

a rule the most untidy t h ing about a ho use is the tidy on the back o f a rocking chair As

,

-

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When sick d o not was te money with dru gs and doctors I nduce some paper to pu t your obituary in type ready fo r emergencies This remedy h as cured the most hopeless cases and is not patented ,

.

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White Mountain landlords say c ollege students make the best waiters At last there is a ray o f hope fo r college gradu ates .

.

153

OF

REVERIES

A PARAGRAPH ER



s impressions of character are more correct than man s because sh e kno ws woman and any one can se e through a man A woman



,

,

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to be o f benefit to the health must have some obj ect which will bring the will power into full a ctivity A race with a mad bull across a ten acre field is the best E xerc ise

.

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.



A

woman s temper is like a chest — nut worm never discovere d u ntil t o o late .

The first bread made by a bride is very suggestive o f a L ondon Times editorial O uida says that American humour is t h e grin on the face o f a corpse it is real humour, though o f a ghastly ” a n d grim sort S he probably de scribes E nglish humour as a corpse $

.

without the grin

.

154

FA CT S AN D FANC I E S TH E I rishman who went to sleep o n t h e railroad track was waked by hi s fri en ds .

Bo ston man has been fined fo r u sing profane langu age H e w as giving th e pedigree o f a horse A

.

.

Drowning men, an d men wh o fooli shly hope to dro wn their sorrows , c atch at straws .

None but the brave deserve a pro fe ssio nal beauty and n on e but the brave wi ll marry one ,

.

In

a Western town o ne winter some people cut a hole in the ice on a pond ducked a young girl in it ,

,

156

FACTS

AN D

FAN C I ES

and in two weeks she died They c alled the proceeding baptism and so were not ar rested .



,

.

that is worth anything must be paid fo r S t P eter recognises no free passes at his gate Re ligion

.

.

When the electric light is beam ing the gas j ets turn yellow with e nvy ,

.

A

youth with his first cigar makes him self sick a youth with his fir st girl makes other people sick .

No l ady wh o has been before a D ivorc e Court however inn oc ent she may be or on whichso ever side she may have been is permitte d by etiquette to have her name p as se d fo r a drawing room at t h e E nglish Cou rt ,

,

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157

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER S o lo ng D ivorce

as she keeps out o f the Cou rt ho wever sh e can do j u st about as she pleases and h e r respec tability will not be questioned ,

,

,

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The generally high price o f co al is due to the fact that t h e Operators insist on having their mine rs devote t wo weeks in every month to mental and moral improvemen t .

tanned face in the autumn is a p assport into respectable socie ty A

.

Counterfeit coins are m ad e for the accom modation o f people who are too proud to examine t heir change .

College girl go t very mad one night because a Germ an glee club halted under her window and persis ted in singing Gu m wh ere my love lies dr eaming A V assar



.

158

REVE RI ES O F

A

PA RAGR APH ER

The drug c lerk wh o give s t h e Th e wrong medicine is arre ste d so adly lumber who d o es his work b p t h at half a dozen pe ople die fro m se wer gas is paid at the re gular rate s I t is a mean publis her wh o will m ake a school b o ok cover so thin that it will afford no adequate pro t e ction to the small boy in cas es o f e mergency G old is one of the m ost widely on the globe $ difl use d metals so widely diffused in fac t that it is difficult to get much of it t ogether .

.

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,

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Book agents should have their occ upation inscribed on their c ards in su ch large lette rs that he wh o reads may run .

the kindest thi ngs H eaven h as done for man is denying hi m t h e power o f seeing hi mse lf as othe r s se e him One

of

.

1 60

FACTS AN D FA NC I ES Young l adies should not o bj ect to having an aflian c e play billiards I t is estimate d that a m an walks five miles aroun d the table in every l ong game and in after ye ars the husband who c an walk five miles around the room with a teething baby is very handy to h ave about the house .

,

.

It

is all a mistake to supp ose that political excitement le ads persons to throw brickbats at torchlight pro cessions it is not political excite ment it is a desire to ann ihilate the bas s drum m an in the brass ban d ,

-

.

of

the industries o f E aste rn cities is shipping empty ch ampagn e bottles to C alifornia O ne

.

A cr ooked

stick is be tte r than none as the Tennessee m an said when b e poured some moonshin e whisky int o his lemonade ”

,

.

L

1 61

REVERIES O F A PARAGRAPHER The c ooling morsel o f degluti tion in its saline baptis m comes t o the alimentary with an as suran c e o f ” health from external atmospheres The above is by a Bo ston writer and is suppose d by experts to refer in s ome way to the oyster .

,

.

has been discovere d that t h e Romans use d asafoetida in co oking an d thus the report that they were the strongest nation of the ear th is corroborated It

,

.

S quare u mbrell as h ave been intro As they have fewer du c e d in P aris points fo r putting out the eyes o f pedestrians, they are quite an im provement of the old fashioned kind .

.

Beware of the man wh o tries t o make you believe that he does no t like to see his name in the paper .

The man who is not afrai d of wife is either a saint o r a brute .

1 62

hi s

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRA PH E R New York merchants are gradu ally l e arn ing that the seat s in their stores ar e on t h e wrong side o f the c ou nt e r .

Michigan barber has elope d with two women but then he doubt less can talk fas t enoug h to enterta in both A

.

Conservatism is to a city what — l aziness is to an in dividual an nu inertia which neve r c onquerable se es an advantage until it is too l a te to grasp it When a lady goes along the stre et in a new dress all other women m ay not be able to follow sui t but their e yes do ,

,

.

The only obj ection to putting women on juries is that all th e pretty prisoners woul d be declare d guilty the moment the j udge gave the jury a chanc e .

1 64

P ROS Y P O S TU L AT I O N S

D E A R Reader, if you have a ing after fame , enter the

hanker field o f j ournalism by all means F orty years o f faithful work will insure S u a plendid obituary notice in o y your o wn paper and as much as three lines in nearly every paper in — your S tate N B Marry rich .

,

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.

A

man with a clean collar in h is c oat pocket can go to the sea shore and have more fu n fo r three days than a woman with a saratoga -

.

Beware o f the man wh o always gushes ove r his fri en ds He would swear away their lives to save himself .

.

1 65

R EV ERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER C o untry ministers are usually paid for preaching fu neral sermons It mu st take a good deal to satisfy t heir conscience sometimes P e ople wh o live in the country kn ow e ach other like boo ks .

.

.

Th e most wo rl d is true

modest thing in merit

th e

.

When a man begins to go down hill he finds everything gre as e d fo r the occasion says a philosopher wh o might have added that when he tries to climb u p he finds eve ryt hi ng gre ased fo r the occasion too ,

,

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No great poems have been written sin ce the ge neral introduction o f t h e han d organ -

.

F eet

cannot protest when they are put into new shoes but the shoes do —they squeak ,

.

When a young man sees in the 1 66

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHE R the y laugh Lab ou chere lives in Lon don where t h e atmosphere is eith e r s o damp o r so smoky th a t people wh o indulge in a hearty laugh He are in d anger o f strangulation ocean an d hear should cro ss the the ri nging laugh o f a genuin e Ameri can gir l aft er so me dull brained swell h as gone away u nder th e impression that he h as made another c onquest .

,

.

.

Any

m an however humble c an wi n the respect o f his fellow men H e h as only t o let it be known that he loves his wife an d child ren an d is doing the best he can for them ,

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Biblical qu estions at so cial gatherings I t is very embarrassing to the host to have to spen d a couple o f hours huntin g around the hous e fo r a Bible to settle di spute d points with Avoi d

.

.

Bosto n ministers want to stop 1 68

th e

PROS Y POS T U LAT ION S S un d ay trains on the Tunnel road The Puritan notion that kissing on S u n d ay is wicked h as evidently not di e d out yet .

.

In

another hu ndred years c ollectors o f b r ic a brac will be ex hi b it ing phonographs telephone machines and electric light lamps which came over in the M ayfl o wer -

-

,



$

.

who are very particular abou t unimpor tant details should remember that a locomotive is ju dged by its power and speed not by the colour o f its smoke stack an d the tone o f its bell P eople

,

.

The m an who i ntends to buy a mine shoul d examine the mineral not the as say certificate The man wh o intends to cast a vote should e xamine the record o f the party not its platform ,

.

,

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Th e

bond

of

sympathy between 1 69

REVERI ES O F A PARAGRAP H E R m an kind and t h e thermometer is Thermometers e xplaine d e asily have their ups and downs j u st the s ame as the rest o f the worl d .

.

P hilosophy

hard name s k no wab le

to

is th e art o f giving the unknown and u n

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monogram in Am erica is better than a coronet anywhere else A

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Many a man finds after marriage that he has been hu gging a delu sion .

Most o f the self m ade men o f to day were once j ilted because they were poor -

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is sai d that a fresh onion c u t and laid in cupboards an d r e fri ge r at o rs will drive red ants away O nion lovers shoul d go to t h e ant consider its ways and be wise It

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1 70

REVERIES OF A PARAGRAP HER cold bloode d cr u elty o f most mu rders is only equalled by the te nderness wi th which the mur derers are treate d after being caught Th e

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woman s best traits are not see n u ntil she becomes a mother $ her worst are hidden until she becomes a mother in law The best traits u ppermost ar e again when she becomes a grandmother ’

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Wh en an expected letter does no t arrive in time how hard it is t o refrain from suspecting the innocent c arri er $ ,

Mean men generally li ve long D eath don t want them any m ore than any one els e .



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When a woman obj ects to having her son get married the n atural suppositio n is that the loving mother kn ows what her own husban d h as had to go throu gh with ,

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1 72

PROSY POS TULAT ION S When a book is bright and enter taining n o one thinks o f the c over When h omely men or women are good c onversationalists no one notices their personal appearan c e .

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The people o f a far western town b athe in the reservoir an d an attempt will be made to stop the practice as the reservoir is so d eep as to be dangerous ,

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never realises how much u seless was te there is until he sees two pretty girls kiss each other .

What this country needs is an s omethin g o n the e l as tic currency india r ubber principle so that in cas es of emergency a bill c an be stretche d into a ten ,

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Cin cinn ati claims th at her ministers are generally hom ely but it is suspected that this is only a bid fo r immigration ,

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1 73

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAP H E R Wh en regular physicians get over the silly idea th at they should not their whereabouts t h e ad ve rtise number o f successful quacks will begin to decrease ,

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pianos are more popu lar than uprights One can t lean on an upright pi an o and stare at the young l ady playing under pret ence o f listening to th e music ’

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In

crossing a field with a cow in it the wo man who hesitates is tossed ,

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1 74

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER This is a poe m whi ch people who k n o w nothing o f S cot ch can e as ily se e through .

Washington s b irthday is the t hat b ank clerks observe ’

d ay

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When a professional humo rist weeps at a funeral all the other mo urn ers laugh ,

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F urni ture manufacturers so happy as wh en they can

are never cut wood ac ross the grain in making chair legs .

The re as on D iogenes did n ot succee d was be cau se he was looking for a non est man -

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requires taste to make o f rooms look sweet

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I f a mosquito bite thee hand, give h im t h e other d ownward

on one palm

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1 76

AFT ER

T H O UGH TS

When a man who has overworked himself trying to keep b ody and soul together becomes ill he goes to a physician and pays h im fo r the in formation that he should knock o fl fo r a fe w years and take a trip or two around the world ,

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The trouble about the weather clerk is that when he gets a going in any one direction he never knows when to stop -

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The king o f the S an d wich I sla nds is allowed $ 6000per year fo r stationery Though he has never been to Con gress he is said to be a good judge o f the di fferent brand s o f stationery .

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recent seas on at S aratoga a lady appeared in a diflere nt toilet every day fo r two weeks with d ifferent jewellery to match I t is distre ssi ng to reflect that a woman w h o h as so much to mak e her h appy m u st some day go to a world where dre ssmakers are unknown '

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1 77

REVERI ES OF A PARAGRAPHER A

captious critic pours out his vials o f wrath in this sp lenetic fas hion $ But between these t wo extremes is a v as t army o f girls who apart from dressing piano playing and mak ing t h e most o f their good looks can do noth ing or next to it Put them in a b oat and they are helpless Put them in the water they flounder and sink P ut them on a horse and they fall o ff P ut them on their feet they can t walk a mile unless out shopping Nonsense $ Mak e them believe that it is fashionable to row swim or ride horseback and in a month s time t hey will out row out swim out ride th e ir c ritics any day in the year ,

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The faster a h orse gets the more money he m akes I t is different w ith a man The only thing that s well society regrets is that the revolutionary heroes had the bad taste to declare themselves indepen dent of E ngland .

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REVE RI ES O F A PARAGRAPH E R rabbits Very little need be used If as only the scent is necessary you have no axle gre ase and lard h andy u se bo arding h ouse bu tter .

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— P ost no bills without havi ng letter registered

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The man whose fac e is exposed to the wintry wi nd is apt to look blew .

Almost anything

can be preserve d in alcohol except health happiness and money ,

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The man who invented a ne cktie big enough t o cover up the shirt front knew what it was to b e dunned by a washerwoman .

is im possible to keep a small boy in the house even in the worst weather unless he has a sister to torment It

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1 80

AFT ER

T H O UGH T S

Life is too short to waste words The word obey should be stricken out o f the Marriage S ervice I t is o f no use G e nius has th e poetic picturesque ness o f a mountain brook talent the commercial usefulness o f a great river E dmun d Yates says of E nglish — men We play as we work in e ar nest This accounts fo r the deep London comic e arnestness o f the papers .



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the young women occa seen in city streets act lik e 60 and dress like 4 0 F or te means loud

S ome s io n al ly

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The marriage state is well enough but the divorce state is ill

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Truth crushed to earth will rise a gain if the small boy is aroun d when company comes .

1 81

REV E RI ES OF A PARAGRAPH E R S ome o per a glas ses are look through, but most o f m ad e to l oo k at -

mad e to the m are

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Women wh o desire to pu rsue a co urse at H arvar d College are on ly expected to pass the ordinary college proficiency in bas e e xam ination ball an d rowing not required ,

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the portrait o f Mrs H ayes place d in the White H ouse by her temperance friends as a mentor t o all wh o s u cceed her she appe ars in a wi ne coloured dress The painting is not in water colou rs either In

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Norfolk m an h as invented a gas meter with a p ri c e indicato r wh ich shows in dollars attach e d and cents the amount d ue fo r gas but what this world wants is a gas bill m eeter A

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N othing is more attractive than 1 82

a

REVERI ES

OF

A PARAGRAPH E R

The prayers of one hu ndred and fifty clergym en congregate d together in Tennessee for rain w as followed b y two week s o f the dryest sort o f dry weather Too many cooks spoil t h e broth .

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O rang outangs when taken t o climes different from their own, in v ariably die o f consumpti o n Climbs on cage poles are ce rtainly very di fferent from the climbs in their n ative forests -

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H appiness is a well balanced com bination of love, labour, an d luck -

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1 84

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